


cool girls

by jehancourf



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Curse Breaking, Desi Potter Family (Harry Potter), F/M, Flower Symbolism, Found Family, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Multi, Mystery, Nonbinary Character, Other, POV Alternating, Secret Crush, Slow Burn, Trans Female Character, hot girl shit, queer solidarity
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:46:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 26,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28375650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jehancourf/pseuds/jehancourf
Summary: "Lily whips her head around, scanning the classroom for a mop of shiny black curls or another empty seat, anything to suggest that Sirius Black, the narcissistic self-aggrandizing never-worked-a-day-in-his-life pretty boy and accomplice to her least favorite person in the world would NOT be the missing seat next to her. Of everyone she's ever met, there’s almost no one she’d like to work with less."Lily and Sirius are working on a semester-long project together and find out about eachother's embarrassing crushes at the exact same time. They swear secrecy, and are suddenly forced to hang out. Like friends.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Marlene McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Sirius Black & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Original Character(s), Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 44
Kudos: 133





	1. out with the old and in with the new

**Author's Note:**

> thanks to jaime and lauren for helping me piece together a plot 
> 
> if you've found yourself here because "trans character" makes you foam at the mouth and beat your chest like an enraged orangutan please note that your comments will be deleted before anyone ever gets the chance to read them. even me. i will literally delete your comments without reading them. is that how you want to spend your day? writing a transphobic rant that no one will even read? i didnt think so. xoxo
> 
> anyway i picture sirius as a very fruity nonbinary gay (like me) and i wanted him to have some gal time and then some shithead was really transphobic over on my other fic and so this one was born. of spite and faggotry, the same way everything else i make is. enjoy!

Lily Evans is doing pretty good, all things considered.

It’s the start of her sixth year, and everything feels new. Her hair is much longer, for starters, as she grew it out over the summer, with a part in the middle and feathery layers that flow halfway down her back, like the muggle girls are wearing. She shot up over the summer too, putting her just short of six feet tall and giving her a willowy look that she happens to like very much. Most girls, especially girls like her, probably wouldn’t like being so tall, but it makes her feel powerful. Like no one will mess with her now. 

Normally, Lily doesn’t give a flying fig about what she looks like, as long as she’s read as a girl, but since she stopped hanging out with Sev last year, she’s taken to spending more time with her roommates, and she wants to make a good impression. Marlene and Dorcas and Mary are Cool Girls, at least from Lily’s point of view. She reckons she’s a cool girl, too, it's not like she isn’t well-liked or anything. People seem to flock to her, and genuinely listen to what she has to say, but when all your time is spent with the weird Slytherin kid who nobody seems to like, you don’t really make a reputation for being likeable yourself. Especially when everyone turns out to be right about him being a massive tosser.

Whatever, enough about that guy. Fuck that guy. This year Lily has decided she’s not going to talk to him at all, or at least until he gets over himself and stops hanging out with his stupid fascist mates and calling perfectly respectable, six foot tall redheaded witches wizard slurs.

This year, she’s just going to hang out with her roommates and be friends with them instead. They’re Cool Girls, after all, and nice ones to boot. Not the sort of Cool Girls in muggle novels, who are usually very mean and obsessed with their looks. (Lily never really understood that logic. Most real girls just want to have fun and hang out and are only a little bit obsessed with their looks.) None of them even seemed to mind that Lily only just started hanging out with them more regularly after she dumped her best friend.

In fact, Marlene and Dorcas and Mary took her right under their wings, and didn’t even say “I told you so” or anything like that. The night last semester, before the summer started, when Lily came back to the dorm weeping over stupid Sev and his stupid wizard racism, Mary had cried with her, Dorcas had assured her that it wasn’t her fault, and Marlene had asked her rather convincingly if Lily would like her to kill him. The three of them took her in, after having agreed, Mary rather wetly, that their little circle needed a sensible one anyway.

“I thought I was the sensible one!” Mary protested at first, wiping eyeliner-black tears from her eyes. Lily chose not to point out the irony there.

“No, you’re the slutty one.” 

“Excuse you!”

“You’re the slutty one, Dorcas is the sporty one.” Marlene declared, and Lily caught Dorcas nodding sagely from her seat behind Mary and stifled a giggle.

“And I suppose that makes you the stupid one then?” Mary tossed back.

“No.” Marlene said, lifting her head high. “I’m the fit one.”

They all dissolved into giggles, Lily not far behind them. She always enjoyed this sort of banter. Sev usually got offended at that sort of thing, so making jokes around him was sort of like walking on eggshells. She hadn’t minded all too terribly at the time, but now, seeing these three bounce back and forth so well, it was hard not to mourn for lost laughs.

“Well I think we’re all quite fit.” Lily laughed, which was true. Marlene had red-brown skin and lovely black curls and a way about her that suggested confidence. Dorcas was Black with a Quidditch-player’s body, and had very short hair, nearly shaved, that made her look regal and important. Mary had very fetching cat-eye glasses and wavy bangs, and was dramatic in a way that was fun and endearing. All three of them were pretty, Lily thought, and she was too, but saying so only made it funnier.

“See?” Marlene said when they had finally calmed down. “The sensible one!”

“I don’t see why we need the labels, Leen, this is really stupid.” Said Mary, who was clearly trying to be recognized as the sensible one.

“It’s not stupid!” Marlene protested. “The boys have a sensible one!”

“Remus, yeah.” Lily nodded. “Although being the most sensible boy in our year isn’t much of a stretch, considering the competition.” She and Remus were close enough, having been prefects together and all. He was a really nice bloke, in Lily’s opinion, and smart too, not at all like his awful friends. He frequently assured her that they weren’t so annoying once you got to know them, but Lily thought he must be a terrible judge of character.

“Exactly.” Marlene had said. “And James is the sporty one and Sirius is the fit one. Obviously.”

“Peter--” Mary interjected.

“Is the crybaby, then Mary, is that what you want?”

“I’m going to get you McKinnon!”

Mary lunged at Marlene with a pillow, and Lily had laughed along, just happy to be included, even if the topic of the boys in their year made her vaguely nauseous. The Cool Girls had always included her, and she fit in among them, and was overall decently regarded despite her best friend being a big jerk, but she was never part of their inner circle like she is now.

Plus, the Cool Girls hate what’s going on with the Slytherins, too. All this Voldemort, Death Eater, fascist business. So, all things considered, Lily Evans is doing pretty good.

Unfortunately, when she takes a seat right in the front row of Muggle Studies on the first day back, after a summer full of growth spurts and letters from her roommates and pointedly not thinking about any boys whatsoever, the only person she knows is Sev.

Marlene is muggle born just like Lily, Mary is half and half, and Dorcas is too busy with Quidditch to take any more electives. Lily wouldn’t have even taken muggle studies, she really doesn’t need it, having grown up with muggles, but she gave up Arithmancy (Too many Slytherins) and Divination (Too much bullshit) last year and needed at least one new course. And honestly, she reckons it could be cool to learn about muggles through a wizarding lens. 

Lily really hadn’t expected to see Sev here, considering his new muggleborn hate nonsense. She’s glad that he’s too much of a coward to sit with her. In fact, it seems everyone is, or at least they have their own friends to sit with, because by the time the teacher gets there, the seat beside Lily is empty. Which is fine. This will just be one of those classes where she doesn’t have anyone to talk to and she spends her time learning. That’s what she ought to be doing anyway.

The professor is a young woman who hurries in with a stack of books five minutes late. She’s got lovely dark skin and a large but neatly trimmed afro, and is wearing an entirely muggle outfit consisting of bell-bottom dress pants and an orange and yellow stripey sweater. She looks to be around 30 years old, but Lily has the sense that in her youth, she was a Cool Girl herself.

“Hello class!” She says, once she puts her books down on her desk with a deafening clatter. “I’m Professor Satiserus, but you can call me Sue or Suzanna if you’d rather. Professor Satiserus makes me sound old, which I am not.”

This gets a few laughs out of the class, despite everyone feeling a little scandalized at the lack of formality. Satiserus smiles, and Lily finds herself instantly charmed.

“I’m going to be handling this class a little differently than last year, because the world is a little different from last year, and Dumbledore thinks you ought to spend more time learning about muggles in a hands-on sort of way.” Satiserus clears a spot on her desk, and sits on it to address the class. “So instead of reading history books and instruction manuals and stuff this year, we’re going to be learning about what muggles are doing in their everyday lives, how their technology and sciences have allowed them to lead rich and meaningful lives, and their own class struggles and prejudices.”

There is an excited murmur that creeps its way across the classroom, and Lily can’t help but feel excited herself. There’s a lot to enjoy about classes at Hogwarts, but seeing a teacher so blatantly free of convention is a fun change of pace.

“We’ll also be working in pairs for most of the semester. I hope you’ve chosen to sit next to someone you like because next time we meet I’ll be assigning a semester-long project for you to work on outside of class.” The class collectively erupts into a chorus of groans, and Satiserus barks a laugh. “I know, I know, but think of it this way, it’ll be your only homework.”

Lily hums appreciatively. She actually enjoys doing homework, always has, because learning about magic is just about the most exciting thing a person can do. But a bigger project over the course of the year will give her more time to do actual research instead of rushing it, as well as spend time on other things. Although, she can’t imagine who she’ll be working with. What kind of person would be late on the first day of class?

_ Maybe they’re sick _ , Lily reasons to herself.  _ Tardiness isn’t a sin, Evans. _

“More on that next class.” Satiserus continues. “For now, let me take role, since there’s so many new faces, and I’ll make note of who will be working together.”

Lily steals a glance back at the classroom. She really doesn’t know anyone particularly well. Sure, some kids she’s had classes with, they aren’t complete strangers. And Sev, who’s looking positively green. Probably thought he’d have the chance to work with her, but instead he’s stuck with--

“Avery, Addank”

\--one of his mean Slytherin friends. Big pureblood supremacist type. Lily hasn’t a clue why someone like that would want to take 6th year muggle studies, but it serves Sev right. She’d hate to be stuck with somebody horrible.

“Black, Sirius.”

“No.” Lily whispers. 

She whips her head around, scanning the classroom for a mop of shiny black curls or another empty seat, anything to suggest that Sirius Black, the narcissistic self-aggrandizing never-worked-a-day-in-his-life pretty boy and accomplice to Lily’s least favorite person in the world would NOT be the missing seat next to her. Of everyone she’s ever met, there’s almost no one she’d like to work with less. But all she finds is Sev looking very smug indeed. She turns back around and puts her head in her hands.

“Oh, that’s right.” Satiserus mutters to herself, making a note on her role sheet. “Evans, Lily?”

“That’s me.” Lily says through her hands. “Miss, is it possible he’s not coming? I wouldn’t mind working by myself, really.” 

Satiserus waves her hand. “Nonsense. We’re all late every now and then.”

“Well, yes, but you don’t know Sirius--” 

Lily is interrupted by the sound of the door slamming open behind her, followed immediately by the sound of laughter. She stifles an exasperated groan.

“Get in there Padfoot, make ‘em weep! Hi everybody!” Comes the indisputable voice of one James Potter. A few kids say hi back, clearly amused. “Sorry he’s late, it’s my fault, Suzie, getting him into mischief, I’m a terrible influence, you know. Hey, is that Evans?”

Lily pointedly does  _ not  _ turn around.

“Looks like it. And next to the only empty seat!” Sirius laughs, high and loud enough to break the windows. “Too bad you’re too important for muggle studies, Potter, you won’t be around to watch me steal your bird.”

“Yeah right, like she’d go for you, you fruity fleabag. You look like a Victorian orphan. Have a good summer, Lily?” Lily thinks she might just melt into the floor.

“That’s about enough, gents.” Satiserus says, and to Lily’s intense displeasure, she’s smiling.

“Yeah alright, sorry, Sue. We’ll talk later, Evans!” Again the sound of the door slamming, and then a dramatic thud as Sirius Black takes his seat beside her. 

“Hey, Evans.” Sirius whispers suspiciously, as Satiserus starts her lecture, handing out the syllabus. Lily ignores him smiling at her.

The trouble with Sirius is that he would actually be quite handsome if it weren’t for his behavior, the way he carries himself, and also all of his personality traits. He’s got a delicate brown face, despite a fairly muscular frame, black hair that flounces down to his shoulders in cheerful waves, and long lashes that cover heavy-lidded gray eyes. “Victorian orphan” as James had put it, wasn’t as close as “Victorian aristocracy” would have been. 

If he ever shut his trap, he’d be quite a catch, and Lily can name a few girls who already think so. Unfortunately for them, Sirius Black has never  _ been  _ serious about anything in the entire time Lily has known him, and all of his girlfriends have lasted no more than a week.

(Lucky for Lily, he wouldn’t be her type even if he was a nice, genuine guy. Far too feminine for her taste. She’s hardly one to talk, but if Lily did fancy the boys in her year, she would want someone a bit more masculine.) 

Whatever disdain Lily carries for Sirius, however, has nothing on the true and utter loathing she holds for James. He’s handsomer by far, and taller than Sirius (Though not quite as tall as Lily anymore, she gleefully reckons.) and he’s also Quidditch Captain, and quite popular, and never seems to have any trouble in classes despite never studying at all. Of course, just like Sirius, he is entirely too aware of his successes and makes it his mission to make everyone around him aware of them, too. Not to mention his proclivity for immature and disgusting pranks. 

The nail in the coffin for Lily, though, is his unwavering and unrelenting commitment to talking to her like she’s a piece of meat instead of a human person. It makes her skin crawl. It makes her feel chewed up and spit out. And worst yet, it hurts her stupid feelings. If James would treat her like she was a regular, albeit lovely and brilliant girl, maybe she’d look his way, but it’s hard to see him from up on the pedestal he’s put her on.

The two of them together, James and Sirius, make up equal halves of one clueless, full of himself, selfish, bigheaded, chauvinist, loudmouth idiot, and with the help of poor Peter and Remus, are why Lily can’t stand the boys in her year. 

“We’re in class, Sirius.” Lily says. “Leave me alone.”

“Aw, come on. Don’t be so cold!” Sirius waves the syllabus at her, displaying somehow that he does indeed know how to read. “We’re partners after all.”

“To my great dismay, yes.” Lily grits. “But the project is to be worked on outside of class, so if you don’t mind.”

“Outside of class, huh?” Sirius examines the syllabus with a comical squinted eye. “James is gonna have a field day.”

Lily is about to tell him exactly what she thinks about what James has to say, when Satiserus interrupts them.

“Mr. Black, when you’re done bothering poor Lily, please do pay attention.” Lily shoots Sirius a glare.

“Sorry, Suze.” Sirius drawls, turning to look at her with a horrible grin. “I was just telling Lily how lovely I find your hair. It’s a really fetching look on you, love, and I just had to let her know.” This is the sort of demeaning nonsense Sirius pulls with all the women teachers. It’s really quite disgusting, and what’s more disgusting is that it sometimes works. 

“You can tell her all about my hair after class, Sirius, or you can take five points from Gryffindor. The choice is yours.” Satiserus replies easily. “And if you ever call me ‘love’ again, you’ll wish that points were all I took.”

She launches back into her lecture, and Lily tries to pay attention this time, but not before eyeing the put-out little pout on Sirius’s face when he doesn’t get his way. Lily smirks. At least she’s not the only one unhappy.


	2. An Extremely Dramatic Visit to the Hospital Wing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not quite forgiving and not quite understanding.

“How is he, then?” Sirius says anxiously when he finds Prongs waiting for him outside the Muggle Studies classroom. James had a free period while he was in class, and thank Merlin he did, because if he hadn’t Sirius would have certainly skipped his first class of the semester to be with Remus in the hospital wing.

Full moon fell on the first night back, and despite his family’s fawning, Remus insisted he would rather spend the moon at Hogwarts than miss the first day of classes. Not that he told Sirius much, as the ice they were standing on was so thin since last semester. Remus’s letters were cold and distant, what few of them he sent, but Sirius held onto every word. He’d take what he could get, after what he did.

“Fine.” James says, looking past him at the crowd of students spilling out of the classroom. Sirius rolls his eyes. James’s little obsession with Lily Evans had only grown more annoying with age, like the world’s most heterosexual wine, and as his best mate slash brother slash family dog, he’s had to bear the burden of hearing about it. 

“Prongs.”

“Sorry, sorry.” James shakes himself, tearing his eyes away from the back of Lily’s head. He smirks at Sirius. “He was mostly sleeping, but he did wake up a few times and ask after you.”

“Did he really?” Sirius says breathlessly before he can stop himself. “Er, I mean.” He straightens, and puts on the most macho voice he can manage. “Did he really?”

James laughs. Sirius’s overwhelming and magnificent crush on Remus isn’t news to him. Padfoot and Prongs are brothers in everything but blood, and James is the only person he’s formally come out to. Well, aside from his mother, immediately before leaving her house for the last time. And when that happened, he went straight to the Potters’ place. So naturally, James knows.

Sirius reckons most people know he’s bent, though. It’s not like he makes much of an effort to hide it. Generally speaking, he gets hit on by other boys (Heavily closeted Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws looking to see if kissing a boy really is what they want to be doing, and Sirius is more than happy to oblige, even if he doesn’t really feel like a boy half the time.) as much as he gets hit on by girls. He was blessed with good genes, after all. Sure, he enjoys talking to girls, and he’s kissed a few too, but there’s nothing exciting about it, for him. It’s just a way to pass the time. 

Of course, he’s earned himself a reputation by passing the time that way, which he finds hilarious. If anyone is obtuse enough to look past his theatrics and regular trips to the Astronomy tower with various gents to decide he’s a womanizer of all things then they don’t need to know, clearly. 

“Yeah, mate. He seemed real bummed that you weren’t there, too.” James puts on a dramatic pout and Sirius cuffs him on the arm for it. “Ow! You know, you ought to tell him.”

Speaking of people who need to know. Remus is… well, he’s oblivious. And very clearly straight. And his best mate in the world, aside from James. Sirius can’t tell him how he feels, no matter how bad he’d like to hold his hand and call him pet names and kiss him in empty classrooms and broom closets and in the shack as the sun comes up after the full moon. He’s already fucked up their friendship enough as it is, what with Snape and all, and he doesn’t want to fuck it up further, thank you very much.

“Sure thing, mate, I’ll let him know right away. Expect a wedding invitation in the post.” Sirius jokes, but it comes out a little sadder than he intends it to. “I probably won’t be at lunch, but I’ll see you in charms?”

“Yeah ok.” James says, but he puts a reassuring hand on Sirius’s arm. “I’m serious, though.”

“No you’re not. I am.”

Sirius breaks free of James after a quick tussle and makes his way to the hospital wing in record time. Remus is still the only kid in there. Sirius can see him through the crack in the door when Madame Pomfrey opens it, squinting at him.

“Mr Potter just left, Mr Black.” She says. “And I’d appreciate if you did the same. Remus needs his rest, you know.”

“Poppy!” Sirius exclaims, and can swear he hears a little huff from Remus’s bed. “You’re looking ravishing as always, pleased to see you, love. Is that new hair?”

“Mr Black.” Madame Pomfrey says sternly.

“Please, call me Sirius. We’re friends, aren’t we?” Sirius grins. “And as such, I think you ought to let me in. Maybe put on some tea? I expect I’ll be staying.”

“Mr Black.” Madame Pomfrey says again, but Sirius can tell she’s starting to crack. There’s an almost-smile forming on her face.

“Just for a mo’?” Sirius says slyly, dropping his voice. “I haven’t seen my dear Moony all summer, ma’am, and I’d really like to see him, if you don’t mind.”

Which is mostly true. Remus had sat with the other prefects on the train and wasn’t around for dinner and then they were all Moony Wormtail Padfoot and Prongs for nearly twelve grueling hours. Moony the Wolf didn’t seem to have any qualms with Padfoot, running around and playing with him as usual, but it wasn’t the wolf he had wronged.

Setting Snape onto the shack was stupid. Sirius knew it was stupid when he did it and he sure as hell knows it was stupid now, but God, hadn’t he felt powerful. God, hadn’t the look on Snape’s stupid, fascist face felt good? Hadn’t it felt like the two of them, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, holding the world in their claws together?

And that’s the thing, isn’t it? Before the Snape Incident, there was this heavy, tangible togetherness between them. Long nights in the common room, just talking, sitting so close he’s almost on Remus’s lap. The flourish of Remus’s quill as he fixes Sirius’s History of Magic essay with his deft fingers. Conspiratory little smiles and whispers in the back of Potions when Sirius corrects Remus’s mistakes in kind. The faint, indescribable brush of hands.

It almost felt like there was something there. Or at least, close enough that he could pretend there was.

“Oh, alright.” Madame Pomfrey says, like she’s even thought about it at all. Sirius flashes her a grin and slips past, but all of a sudden he’s slapped in the face with the shock of being here. He didn’t really think this far.

Remus is sitting up in bed, back leaned up against the headboard with a book in his hand. His hair had grown a bit over the summer, but it’s clearly freshly cut into a frenzied little mullet, and he’s making a valiant effort at growing a mustache. He’s taller than ever, too, long limbs looking a bit out of place on the hospital bed. Across his nose, cutting right through his freckles, is a new scar. Sirius loves him so much he feels sick with it.

“Hullo, Sirius.” 

“Hey, Moony.” Sirius mumbles.

“Your dear Moony, then?” Remus teases.

“Yeah, well.” Sirius says eloquently, lucky his skin is too dark to reveal the impressive blush spreading over his face and neck. He sits down at Remus’s bedside and does not look him in the eye. “Right.”

“Right.”

There is a pregnant pause.

“Have a good summer, then?” Sirius tries.

“As good as it ever is.”

“Yeah.” Sirius huffs a mirthful little laugh. “Me too.”

Neither of them ever have particularly good summers, what with Sirius’s folks deciding he’s a disgusting degenerate blood traitor and Remus’s folks locking him up in the basement once a month, but this summer was a little different. Sirius had flown the coop in July, and Remus hardly sent any letters at all.

Remus is silent for another long moment. Sirius looks up at him, and finds him stretching his arms above his head, looking very very tired. He is again overwhelmed with guilt. 

“Want some chocolate?” Sirius says, voice cracking just a little as he motions to his bag.

“What are you doing here, Sirius?” Moony asks. Sirius winces.

“Wanted to check up on you, like I always do.” He says, trying very hard to sound reasonable. 

“Like you always do.” Remus says thoughtfully. Sirius feels like Moony’s forgotten book, cracked open at the seams. Something’s gotta give.

“Listen, Moony--”

“Don’t.” Remus says, then sighs. “I know you’re going to apologize and I know it’s going to be dramatic and I don’t really have the energy for it today, okay? I don’t forgive you and I’m still mad at you so you’re just going to have to apologize another time.”

“Okay.” Sirius says, examining Moony’s face. He doesn’t look like he’s being completely honest, but Sirius knows better than to say so, when Remus is giving him an opportunity like this. “But you’d hear it another time?”

Remus huffs. “That’s what you got out of that?”

“Yes.”

Remus stares back at him, his orange eyes searching. There’s much that both of them aren’t saying and Sirius struggles to not look away. Remus’s eyes are the only thing that Sirius has ever found to be inhuman about him. They’re wicked and bright and beautiful, in the exact same way that Remus himself is.

“Give me a chocolate.” Remus says resignedly. Sirius grins, and fishes out the rather large bag of chocolates he got for this specific occasion. Remus snorts.

“Mind if I stay here?” Sirius asks quietly. “I won’t bother you, I just wanna lay my head down.”

“Yeah, alright.” Remus says after another pause. Sirius lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and hands him the bag of chocolate. 

Sirius scoots the little stool he’s sitting on closer to the bed and rests his head right next to Moony’s lap, nearly touching. Remus tenses, then relaxes. Sirius feels something uncoil in his stomach as he closes his eyes. He hadn’t noticed feeling tired, overcome as he was with the adrenaline of finally talking to Moony, but it makes sense, considering they both only slept for an hour or two. He feels Remus’s hand rest in his hair and sighs.

“Missed you, Moony.” Sirius mumbles. 

Remus is silent for some time. Sirius wonders if he even heard him, but then, just before Sirius falls asleep, he swears he hears a tight, quiet: “Missed you, too, Pads.”

***

Things aren’t immediately back to normal after that, and Sirius didn’t expect them to be, but they’re normal enough. Remus does smile at him a few times on the way to dinner, and isn’t pretending he doesn’t exist over grilled chicken and pasta and pumpkin juice. The others don’t mention it-- James is attempting to tell Lily a probably-not-very-well-thought-out joke across the table and Peter is exaggerating the chest size of a girl he swears he hooked up with this summer to a couple of seventh year boys-- but every now and then Remus will catch him staring and meet his eye. A silent challenge.

So Sirius counts it as a win. Even if they don’t touch.

“Oi, Black!” He hears Evans say, and looks up from where he was staring at Moony. James grins at him.

“Actually, Evans,” Prongs says in his most Shakespearan simper. “I’m Indian. It’s a common misconception, since my skin tone is--”

“Not you.” Evans says, rolling her eyes so hard Sirius thinks they might stay back there. He and Peter share a snicker. “Black!”

“Yes, white?” Sirius asks innocently, and James roars with laughter. Marlene and Dorcas are laughing, too, from their seats next to Lily, who is looking positively vermillion, and Sirius is sure he sees a small smile flit across Remus’s face. 

“Oh, please!” Lily exclaims, turning to her friends.

“Yes, white?” Dorcas repeats, and then all three of them are in hysterics.

“Brutus!” Lily exclaims through laughter, tossing a napkin at her.

“You really ought to call him Sirius, Lily, you know how he gets.” Says James, leaning on his elbow to gaze at her across the table. Sirius gears up for her inevitable shouting, but it doesn’t come. 

Instead, the impossible happens.

“Oh, and I suppose I’ll call you James then?” Lily laughs easily. James nods enthusiastically. “Not on your life.”

Sirius gapes. 

Lily Evans just flirted back. To the trained eye, it could have been anything, but to someone who so intimately understands flirting as he does, this was not a regular run of the mill Evans comment. This was flirting, plain and simple. Maybe not on purpose, and sure, she was shooting him down, but it was different than usual. She was laughing.

“Oh fuck.” Sirius says out loud.

“What?” Remus asks.

“Nothing. Tell you later.” Sirius raises his voice and stands up in his seat. “Evans? A word?”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to-- Oh, fine.” Lily carefully picks the napkin off her lap and gets up, smoothing her skirt. Sirius turns on his heel and heads out the door, the bottoms of his not-dress-code-appropriate boots clacking a little on the Great Hall floor, and he hears Lily scoff.

“For goodness sake.” Evans says, when Sirius has finally slowed in an empty hallway outside. “What on Earth--”

“I know your secret.” Sirius says, grinning wildly.

“What?”

“You’ve been playing the long con!” Sirius exclaims, laughing madly and grasping Evans by the shoulders. (She’s a good 6 or 7 inches taller than him, so that’s quite a feat.) “This whole time, you’ve had us all fooled, oh, Evans you fucking trip!”

“Now, really!” Lily protests, tearing his hands off her. “What the hell are you talking about?”

Sirius, high on adrenaline or jealousy or joy for his friend or simply the idea that he will get to tell Remus about this later, pulls back, breath heavy, and folds his arms across his chest.

“You,” He drawls. “You, Lily Evans, like James back.”

Lily gasps, wasting no time. “You’re off your rocker!”

“It’s true, I can tell--”

“You’re mental!” Lily shakes her head, laughing. “Did Potter put you up to this? I’d have a word with him--”

“I’m not crazy, Evans, I’ll have you know, I’m incredibly perceptive--”

“Clearly not if you think for one second--”

“YOU DO.” Sirius says, loudly enough that Evans quits interrupting him. “You do!”

Lily is quiet for a moment, but she’s steaming. From where Sirius is standing (below her) she looks red as a tomato and ready to burst.

“How do you know, then, huh? You think you’re so smart, Black, but you don’t know--”

“I know,” Sirius interrupts again, in the same loud voice. “Because you were looking at James the way I look at Remus.”

He leans back against the stone wall with emphasis, smiling knowingly and feeling very smug indeed for exactly 12 seconds. Then, as if he were slapped in the face, he remembers himself, his heart falling into his stomach. Lily, bless her, has the manners to look absolutely gobsmacked.

“Ah, fuck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> forgot to mention last time, [here's some art of the gals!](https://twitter.com/jehancourf/status/1342630824013918208?s=21)
> 
> that's my twitter, and i just recently remade [my tumblr](https://fruityhag.tumblr.com) if you'd like to follow!


	3. Several Revelations and a Deal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth (plural) comes out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tags and description have been edited to reflect future chapters ;) I finally figured out how I want this story to go ;) and its really good ;)
> 
> cw for this chapter for homophobic slurs and some outdated trans terminology but like its fine dont worry about it

“You _what_?”

Lily Evans has never been so surprised in her life. Standing in an empty hallway, the sounds of dinnertime miles away, staring stupidly at Sirius Black, she tries to take in and process the information she’s just been fed. She must be a sight, mouth hanging open and face flushed, because for the first time since Lily has known him, Sirius Black looks wildly uncomfortable.

“Whatever, forget it.” Sirius says, waving his hand dismissively. The color has drained from his cheeks. “Back to--”

“You’re gay?” Lily whispers belatedly in her disbelief, hardly registering that Sirius has even said anything.

“Not important! Back to the matter at hand!” Sirius says forcefully, his brows creased together.

“I think there’s a new matter at hand.” Lily says with feeling. She stops staring stupidly into the middle distance and meets his eye. “You like Remus. Like I like James.”

“So you admit it!” Sirius says, voice cracking. He looks a bit like a madman. “Fantastic! Conversation over. Go tell him and have lovely brown, redheaded babies and never speak to me again.”

Sirius brushes past her to leave, but Lily grabs his arm.

“No, wait!” Lily exclaims, floundering. “I don’t like James, I only meant to say that you said that I did. I was just saying what you said.”

“What?”

“Never mind!” Lily huffs. “Forget Potter, this is much more important!”

“Why?” Sirius grits, and Lily scoffs.

“What do you mean _why_? Because you’re Sirius Black, that’s why!” Lily takes her hand off Sirius’s arm to rub her temples, shaking her head. “You’re like, a womanizer or something! You have a new girlfriend every 45 seconds! And now you’re supposed to be gay?!”

Lily feels inexplicably wrong, completely out of place. It’s not like everything has changed, but the puzzle pieces that make up her life and what she knows about it have noticeably shifted. Sirius Black gay. It doesn’t make sense to her, and she’s frazzled by it, but Sirius looks a lot calmer than he did a moment ago, or at least he’s trying to look calmer. He’s stilled in a haughty, upright stance that can only be described as “practiced,” and is apparently trying to control his own breathing. His eyes are closed.

“Had your worldview fucked, have you?” Sirius spits after a moment of very pained silence, his efforts apparently failing him. His eyes flick open, and there is fire in them. “Is it so hard to imagine that someone like me could be fucking gay?”

“It’s just that--”

“What, are you going to call me a fag, next?” Sirius says wildly. Lily is mollified.

“No, I--”

“I didn’t think you were the type, Evans, though I suppose that makes us both bad judges of character--”

“Will you shut up!” Lily exclaims, entirely forgetting her inside voice. She can feel her hands shaking from where they’re now balled up into fists at her side. “I’m not not upset that you’re gay, you self-absorbed, single-minded, overgrown peacock! I’m upset because you-- you-- you’re--”

Lily takes a deep shuddering breath.

“I’m upset because you’re like me!”

Sirius blinks at her.

“You’re… a lesbian?”

“No!” Lily sighs, running a distracted hand through her hair. “I’m transexual. I’m a trans girl.”

“Oh.”

Lily and Sirius stare at each other for a moment. Lily feels a little like she’s seeing Sirius for the first time, and she can tell he’s feeling the same, his eyes scanning her face. Of course, he’s still an awful person, and she isn’t sorry for thinking as much, but now he’s an awful person she has something in common with. Sort of.

“Yeah.” Lily says stupidly.

“Is that…” Sirius starts carefully. “Is that why you won’t tell James you like him?”

“Excuse me?”

Sirius, as is quickly becoming tradition, ignores her. “Because he wouldn’t care, he already knows about me, and besides, he’s crazy about you.”

Lily feels her face heat up despite her best interests. After all that, they’re somehow back to James. She shakes her head.

“I haven’t told him I like him because I don’t like him.” Lily says plainly. “Quite simple, really.”

“Sure. Right.” Sirius says, crossing his arms. “We’ve been over this. Me and you are the same. I know my own kind.”

“You didn’t know I was trans until five minutes ago, Sirius.” Lily deadpans. Sirius laughs.

“Not that, Evans.” He says. “You’re pining. You’re lovesick. You’re--”

“You’re projecting.” Lily says.

“I’m not. You should tell him.”

Lily groans. The idea of telling James that she likes him, whether it's true or not, makes her want to eat toads. Even if she finds him handsome, he’s still a selfish, pigheaded clown, and he clearly only likes her because she’s the first person he’s ever met to tell him no. Actually giving him the time of day would only mean him getting bored with her in a week, and she’s not going to subject herself to something like that.

And besides, handsomeness isn’t what makes someone a good boyfriend. She’d need someone clever, kind, trustworthy… all things that James Potter could never dream of being.

“I’m not going to tell him something that isn’t true.” Lily huffs decidedly. “Why don’t you tell Remus?”

Sirius is taken aback for a moment, breaking the tense eye contact they had kept to look down at his boots.

“I can’t tell Remus.” He says quietly.

“Why not?” Lily says. “The four of you are practically sister-wives to James anyway.”

“He’s not gay.”

“Do you know that for sure? Because a minute ago I knew for sure you weren’t gay.” Lily points out.

Personally, she thinks it wouldn’t be unreasonable to suggest that Remus Lupin might be gay. He certainly fits the bill, stereotype wise. Sure, he’s not as, er, gaudy as Sirius, but he does look nice in a sweater vest, and all that. Plus, he’s never had a girlfriend, as far as Lily knows, and he’s never even expressed attraction to any girls. Again, as far as Lily knows. Of course, it’s possible he’s just that much of a gentleman, but with friends like James and Sirius, Lily somewhat doubts it.

Even if he wasn’t keen, Lily is sure he wouldn’t mind Sirius’s crush. They’re practically attached at the hip, anyway, the four of them.

“You don’t understand.” Sirius says. Lily sighs.

“Fine.” She says. “It’s hardly my business what you all get up to.”

Sirius snorts at that, but he looks very relieved indeed to no longer be talking about it.

“You should tell James, though.” He says, then a grin spreads over his face. “Or I’ll tell him.”

“What?!” Lily exclaims, shocked to be back at this level of communication after such a world-shattering conversation. “Like hell you will!”

“I think this is a great idea.” Sirius says, stretching his arms in a frankly inhuman display of nonchalance. “Great way to start our sixth year.”

Lily could throttle him. Sirius brushes past her again, as if to head back to the Great Hall, but Lily sees him visibly straighten up. She follows his eyes, and there, exiting the entryway and chatting animatedly, are James, Remus and Peter. Lily watches in horror as Sirius claps his hands together and opens his big stupid mouth.

“Wait!” She cries, gripping his shoulder. “Don’t do it! Or I’ll-- I’ll tell Remus!”

Sirius gasps, his shoulders tense to the touch. He does not turn to look at her. “You wouldn’t dare.”

“Tell me what?” Says Remus.

He, James and Peter are watching them with interest, having stopped their chatter out of curiosity. James has a familiar wide grin on his face, Peter is bobbing up and down on his tiptoes, and Remus is looking vaguely amused, in the way that he often does when the others are up to something. Sirius turns to meet Lily’s eye, and (threateningly, she hopes) she stares back at him.

“That... I’m planning on skiving off the next Muggle Studies.” Sirius holds her eye contact, lying so easily that Lily is almost impressed. “That’s why I wanted to talk to her. I wasn’t worried about detention, but I _am_ worried about her tattling to Moony.”

“Who says I won’t give you detention?” Remus says, convinced, but Lily catches the way James’s eyes flick between Sirius’s and her own. She nods at him just enough to get the point across. He nods back. Then he takes a deep breath, grins that fiery grin of his, and starts on some asinine tirade about Sirius’s lack of sexual prowess or something.

Lily doesn’t know, as she’s not really listening. She’s busy staring into the middle distance again, thoughts clicking into place.

***

In the common room that evening, Lily and her roommates are seated by the fire, which is going despite the warm September air, and working on their homework. Or rather, Lily is working on her homework. Mary is filling the girls in on the apparently very handsome Hufflepuff boy in her Ancient Runes class, Dorcas is drawing a really rather good estimate of Holyhead Harpies team captain, Georgiana Birdwhistle, and Marlene is laying upside down on the sofa, idly charming Mary’s quill to fly around the room.

Lily finds herself feeling warm, despite the distractions. With Sev, Lily had to carry conversation if she wanted to have any, and even though the silence was often comfortable, being surrounded by happy voices is immeasurably better.

“And his eyes! Girls, his eyes were ridiculous!” Mary exclaims.

“What color were they?” Marlene says, mocking enthusiasm as she rolls her eyes at Dorcas and Lily. For the past 45 minutes, they’d all been hearing about exactly how--

“BLUE!” Mary exclaims, tossing her hands in the air and falling back onto the couch. Her head lands on Marlene’s upside-down lap with a distinct thump.

“Oof.”

“They were so blue, Marlene, you don’t even understand.” Mary whines, clutching her heart.

“No, I suppose I don’t.” Marlene drawls. She takes Mary’s glasses off her face and sends them with a flick of her wand into the air to join her quill. Mary visibly tries to look annoyed, but quickly dissolves into giggles.

“Aren’t your eyes blue, Mare?” Dorcas asks reasonably. Lily snickers.

“They are.” She says.

“And my eyes are beautiful too!” Mary says indignantly. “No, this is different. Reg is a blonde.”

“I cannot relate to you.” Marlene deadpans. She reaches up to play with Mary’s hair.

“Wait, Reg?” Lily asks, wrinkling her nose. “Reg Cattermole? That’s the bloke you’re talking about?”

“That’s him!” Mary shouts, nearly knocking her head on Marlene’s hand as she shoots back up into a seated position. “Do you know him? Oh, Christ, Leen where’s my glasses?”

Marlene lazily waves her wand again, and Mary’s glasses fall neatly onto her nose. Lily smiles. What a bunch of talented witches her roommates are.

“I don’t really know him, no, but we were partners a few times when back we had Charms with the Hufflepuffs fourth year.” Lily says thoughtfully. The before we were all friends is silent. “He was pretty good too, but, er… Isn’t he a bit short?”

The girls are all silent for a moment, but then in unison they all erupt into laughter. Marlene slides off the couch and onto the floor, Mary’s quill clattering to the coffee table. Dorcas hides her face behind her sketchbook, embarrassed by her barking laugh, and Mary stands up and gets out of her seat to whack Lily repeatedly on the arm with a couch cushion.

“I cannot believe you!” Mary says, squealing with giggles. “Of course he’s short to you, little miss six feet tall!”

Lily laughs, pushing Mary away from her. “I can’t help my good genes, MacDonald!”

Surrounded by joy, Lily almost doesn’t notice the common room door swing open and the boys spill in, but of course, Mary alerts them all by immediately clamming up and straightening out. She gently places the cushion beside Lily.

“Gents.” She says. Marlene, still on the floor, only laughs harder at Mary’s commitment to looking put together in front of the boys. Lily quietly agrees with her.

“Did we miss a pillow fight?” Sirius asks. “Don’t stop on our account.”

“Don’t be disgusting, Sirius.” Marlene says pleasantly, smiling up at him. “Hey do you know Reg Cattermole?”

Immediately, James begins to cough as though he were possessed, doubling over with his hands on his knees. Sirius claps him on the back, grinning like he just won the lottery.

“You could say I know him.” Sirius says slyly. Lily gasps, covering her mouth with one hand. Sirius winks at her. “Why do you ask?”

“Mary fancies him.” Dorcas says simply.

“Dorcas!”

“What? They don’t care.”

But looking at the boys, or at least James and Sirius, it appears that they do. James is now in hysterics, gripping the edge of the couch so hard it looks ready to crack, and Sirius is leaning fully on him, his flushed laughing face against James’s arm.

“ _Really_ , you two, it’s not that funny.” Remus huffs. He turns to Mary apologetically, offering her a sheepish smile. “I’m sorry about them. It’s not your fault they both have the emotional depth of a teaspoon. Or Reg Cattermole’s either, for that matter.”

“No, Moony, you don’t understand.” James says, straightening up and trying desperately to stop giggling. “Mary really isn’t Reg’s type.”

“Excuse you!”

“Yeah, hold on now James.” Sirius says, hanging off James’s arm, eyes full of mischief. “Reg could be into all different types.”

“Oh yeah.” James says thoughtfully. “I guess I just figured… because you’re not.”

“What on Earth are you talking about?” Mary says, crossing her arms.

“Sorry Mary.” Sirius says, an easy smile on his face. “Reg Cattermole and I have history. Nothing bad, don’t worry. He’s a great guy. Have you talked to him yet?”

Mary is visibly taken aback, scoffing in an aristocratic, offended way, but Lily is looking at Remus. His jaw is set, and instead of his usual look of amused exasperation, he’s staring at Sirius with obvious discomposure.

 _Oh_. 

Nobody else seems to notice, distracted by the supernovas that are James and Sirius, and Lily feels like it’s just the two of them in the common room. Lily and Remus, two vessels each carrying a love for something too big, two bodies occupying a space, as the world moves around them. They are alike in this ache. But then, isn’t Remus far away too? He doesn’t notice she’s staring at him. The world is moving around them and they are alone, together, separately.

Lily sees something in Remus that she didn’t notice in herself, not at first. Being like Sirius, even a little bit, hurt. It rearranged something in her brain and made her confused. It burned inside her, wicked and overwhelming. To feel love like Sirius does had sounded like a punishment. Remus, however, is a relief. She doesn’t know how long he’s watched Sirius, she doesn’t even know if he knows that he does it, but together, separately, as the world moves around them, Lily knows that she and Remus are the same.

“Oh, hell.” Lily says to herself.

***

The first prefects’ meeting of the semester starts with Lily Evans being two minutes late. The reason Lily is two minutes late being Mary found out somehow that Reg Cattermole is a prefect, and attempted to persuade Lily to put in a good word. Lily insisted (agreeing with Sirius, against all odds) that Mary simply talk to him, but Mary wasn’t listening of course, and instead spent several minutes trying to figure out how Lily could insert her cup size into polite conversation.

After a frantic jog across the castle, Lily barges into the meeting room in a desperate huff and plants herself between Remus and Reg Cattermole, both of whom give her a bewildered look.

Up close, it’s sort of easy to see where Sirius’s taste lie, that is, his type. Both boys have light hair and eyes and looked like they crawled out of a cave and directly into a library. Petunia would call them nerds, but Lily thinks that’s rather mean, and after all, she’s a bit of a nerd herself.

Despite a similar look, though, they’re distinctly different. Remus has all those scars, for one thing, looking more than a little dangerous despite the bookishness. He also has a noticeably more confident air about him, sarcastic and composed, and is rather tall. About as tall as Lily, come to think of it, and as willowy, too. The summer did wonders on him, just like it did her, and she does appreciate the solidarity in that. Just last year, the two of them were gangly and a bit awkward, and had confided in each other feeling a bit outcast within their joyous groups of friends, but this year they’re undoubtedly more grown up, together.

“Miss Evans,” Says McGonagall, who is facilitating the meeting, thank goodness. Like Slughorn, she greatly favors Lily.

“Sorry, professor.” Lily says, and it’s true. She would certainly rather be here than listening to Mary talk about her chest. “I got held up talking about um. Homework. It won’t happen again.”

“See to it that it doesn’t.” McGonagall says, but she’s smiling a little, and Lily breathes a sigh of relief.

Later, when McGonagall has handed out duty schedules and the same list of guidelines she gave them all last year, she gives the students half an hour’s time to greet each other and welcome the fifth years. Lily finds herself next to Remus, saying hello to the new prefects and last year’s friends, and of course being particularly exuberant with the Gryffindors.

“Knut for your thoughts?” Remus asks, smiling welcomingly.

“Nothing in particular.” Lily says. “But lately, I find myself thinking about how we’ve all changed quite a bit.”

“Over the summer?”

“Well, yes. But over the years as well.” Lily muses. “I’m worried this year we may become adults.”

“I fear you may be right.” Remus laughs, slow and easy. “Next thing you know, we’ll all be falling in love.”

Lily laughs with him, but a little bit at him, remembering her revelation in the common room the other day. It had felt so dramatic, then, but she’s since calmed, falling easily into the new feeling of silent comradery she has with Remus and Sirius. Neither have them have brought up James, but neither has she. She’s not sure what she would say, really, or what she’s supposed to feel. She likes James, maybe. It doesn’t feel as revolutionary as it probably should.

Perhaps it’s because she’s committed to never acting on it. After all, James is a terrible person, and they would never work out as a couple, so the idea of liking him feels fine. Nothing has changed.

“I think some of us already have.” Lily says pointedly, shaking off thoughts of Potter and nudging Remus with her elbow. He tenses for a moment, but quickly smooths it over with an easy shake of his head.

“Me?” He says, innocently. “I’m not exactly the type.”

“Perhaps not.” Lily muses, and quickly, impulsively decides to say something important. “But if you were to have a crush on someone, no matter who, and felt like you could not tell anyone, even your closest friends, I want you to know that you can tell me.”

Remus blinks at her, looking very shocked indeed. Lily smiles a bit smugly, happy to have made his composure break.

“I… Lily…” Remus shakes his head, understanding. “Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it.” She says, and turns the conversation to what they did over the summer, expertly distracting Remus from his quite apparent internal dilemma. It doesn’t quite leave his mind, though. Lily can see the thoughts dancing behind his eyes even as the conversation returns to its practiced easiness.

Lily Evans is a clever girl, and potentially a very good witch, too, but she won’t try and weasel it out of him. He knows she knows, and he’ll tell her when he’s ready, if he wants to. It’s important to be clever, Lily thinks, but it’s endlessly more important to be a good friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaaaa thanks for reading like i said at the top of the chapter, i have a lot of ideas for this fic and WELL FOLKS its great. thanks for reading!! i appreciate ur comments. 
> 
> come find me on twitter @jehancourf or on tumblr @fruityhag


	4. The Year-Long Project

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius is introduced to Black Feminism and then gets detention.

“Will you knock it off?!” Evans squawks.

Sirius is leaning back in his seat, idly charming her book (a muggle paperback he doesn’t recognize) to turn its pages without her permission. His feet are propped up on their shared Muggle Studies desk and he has a banana muffin that he got from the kitchens in his free hand. His fringe is clipped back with little cream-colored barrettes he may or may not have stolen from Pete’s sister, and his cloak is open onto his jeans underneath, the picture of casual nonchalance that he has perfected only through years of dedicated practice, thank you very much.

Satiserus is late again, this time by at least ten minutes, though it feels like hours to Sirius, who needs constant stimulation or he’ll drop dead.

“I’m bored.” He drawls, fully aware he’s being whiney. “And you are very easy to annoy.”

“Don’t you have your own book to read?” Lily scoffs. “Perhaps it’ll reset your brain and you’ll grow up a little.”

Sirius laughs. “Doubtful.” 

“Do you even know how?”

“No.” Sirius deadpans. “What are you reading?”

“The Bluest Eye.” Lily says with a little sigh, marking her place with a bit of parchment and closing the book in resignation. 

“I don’t know it.” 

“Well, you wouldn’t.” Lily says pointedly. “It’s Feminist literature. No pictures.”

“Like theory?” Sirius asks, genuinely interested. 

He may not seem the type, but Sirius does enjoy reading. Especially exciting books and books about faraway lands, but he enjoys wordy, Moony-type books, too. And not just because Remus likes them, either. He read the entirety of The Communist Manifesto without even lifting the book up a little so that Remus could see it and had a grand old time. Sirius has a fever for learning, dammit, you don’t get to be an animagus at 14 years old for lack of interest. It’s just difficult to find a book that holds his attention better than an adventure or a prank or a few hours of snogging would.

Lily raises a brow at him, clearly unaware of his genius.

“No, it’s a novel.”

“Tell me about it.” Sirius says. “Since I can’t read and all.”

Lily stares at him, and he can tell she’s trying to figure out if he’s pulling one over on her. Unfortunately for her, Sirius takes great pride in being mysterious (and beautiful, whether she agrees with that bit or not) so he only grins.

“Well, it's an American novel about a Black girl called Pecola, told by her neighbor Claudia. She talks about how she watched Pecola go through all these hardships and such-- it takes place during the Great Depression, that is, when the muggle economy was all messed up and practically everyone was poor--”

“I know about the Great Depression, Evans.”

“Er, right, sorry. Anyway, Pecola goes through all this terrible stuff, like really, really heavy stuff, family abuse and rape and, oh it’s dreadful, really, and the whole time she’s like, if only I had blue eyes-- That’s where the title comes from, obviously-- if only I had blue eyes, I’d be pretty, and if I were pretty, I wouldn’t get hurt.”

Lily takes a breath, and Sirius is terribly amused at how she’s quickly become lost in her own book review. Not a minute ago she was rather reserved, and didn’t seem to enjoy his company, but now that he’s got her talking about her book, she’s barrelling through it. He wonders if she often finds herself not allowed to talk about the things that matter to her. He was like that too, not so long ago, and Remus.

Lily reminds Sirius a great deal of Remus, actually. He supposes that’s why they’re close.

“Obviously, that’s a load of crap, and that’s sort of the point of the book.” Lily goes on. “To highlight all this tragedy that girls like her go through and to talk about how, like, her perception of herself alongside those tragedies ultimately drives her insane. And would drive anyone insane.”

“She goes insane?”

“Well, yeah. In the end.” Lily winces. “Sorry, I probably shouldn’t have spoiled it. I’ve read it quite a few times, see, it’s one of my favorites.”

“But it sounds miserable!”

“Oh it is.” Lily nods. “But it’s really important. Most miserable things are.”

Sirius ponders that for a moment, playing with his hair. He’s been through all sorts of miserable stuff, himself, but he hasn’t gone insane yet, as far as he can tell. Although, peppered in among all the miserable stuff is chapters and chapters of happiness, so he supposes it evens out.

He doesn’t have the chance to say something smart, or even smart-adjacent, because finally, finally, Satiserus bursts into the room. She’s cursing under her breath and carrying a large cardboard box labeled “Sixth Years.”

“Hello, class, hello!” She says frantically. “Sorry I’m late, I got held up at the Ministry, feet off the table, Mr Black, great book, Lily.” 

“The Ministry?” Lily blurts, clearly pleased at the compliment.

“Yes, yes.” Satiserus says, depositing the box on her desk and waving her hand dismissively. “I do a bit of work for the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office on the side.”

“How in the world do you have the time?” Says a good-looking Ravenclaw boy sitting kitty-corner behind Sirius.

“I don’t, clearly.” Satiserus says, gesturing to the classroom and rolling her eyes. “Aren’t you a Ravenclaw?”

The boy turns a right lovely shade of maroon, and Sirius quietly snickers.

“So that’s why you’re always late, then.” Says the oily, sneering Slytherin bloke sitting with Snape. “Because you’ve got two jobs.”

“Among other things, Mr Addank, yes.” Satiserus replies, the corners of her mouth lifting mischievously. She pats the giant cardboard box. “Now if it’s all the same to you lot, I’d like to tell you about this project.”

A distinct murmur travels through the classroom. Sirius nudges Lily with his elbow and she pushes him away, but he’s sure she’s smiling a little bit, too.

“In this box,” Satiserus starts, opening it up. “Is an array of muggle artifacts. Mostly appliances and technology they’ve created to help them get by without magic. Can anyone-- preferably folks who aren’t Muggle born, if you don’t mind-- tell me what these are?”

One by one, Satiserus takes out a radio, a pocket watch, a pen, a fantastic device that does instant maths, a funny box meant specifically for toasting bread, and a large red tube that supposedly could stop a fire. Sirius called out the radio easily-- Remus had one and the four of them often sat up in their dorm listening to both muggle radio and wizard radio-- and the pen of course, but the others were news to him, and he finds himself endlessly fascinated.

His mum would hate this. Old Walburga Black, Queen of the Universe, would be positively explosive, catatonic, if she knew her newly-estranged heir was canoodling with Muggleborns in a Muggle Studies class, surrounded by Muggle contraptions. The thought makes Sirius’s pulse quicken, the same way being an illegal animagus, wearing a Muggle leather jacket, and loving a half-blood werewolf does. It’s not that Sirius does everything to piss off his mother, but hell, it sure is an added bonus.

Evans, on the other hand, doesn’t look particularly thrilled. Sirius knows she’s Muggle born, so he doesn’t blame her for not being interested. She clearly loves Satiserus though, so even though she looks about ready to fall asleep, she’s doing her best to pay attention.

“Evans.” Sirius says, deciding to give her a bit of entertainment.

“What?”

“Aren’t you bored?” Sirius asks knowingly.

“No. Yes.” Lily reddens, and Sirius snorts. “A bit. Only because I already know about these things.”

“Makes sense.” Sirius says. “I’m delighted, though. I don’t know a damn thing about this stuff. Walburga would never let me fuck around with Muggle stuff.”

“Walburga?” Lily asks innocently. Sirius winces. Like he was saying, he likes to be mysterious. Most of that is wanting to keep a rather private exterior. Nobody needs to know about his family life, or lack thereof. Same as being a pouf. 

Although, Lily does know that. Formally.

“My mum.” Sirius says, and it comes out a little vicious. Lily raises her brows, but Satiserus speaks before she gets the chance to, thank Merlin.

“For this project, you’ll be learning about these devices and others like them. Their histories, usages, and most importantly, how they are built.” Satiserus hands Lily a stack of parchment. She takes one and passes the pile to Sirius, who passes it on, squinting at his.

“Over the course of the semester, you will be researching one Muggle artifact of your choosing and recreating it.” There is a collective gasp across the room that makes Satiserus grin. “Extra points will be given for creative use of magic and engineering, and for more complex items, but you can do a simpler one if you want.”

Sirius thinks of all the muggle items he’d kill to have-- a record player and records, a motorbike, muggle leather pants-- and drums on the desk a little with his hands. He looks at Lily, and is pleased to find she seems to be just as excited, or as excited as she can look, reading the assignment parchment so fervently that her nose touches the page.

“You’ll find on your parchment more information, including what’s not allowed and deadlines and all that. You can have a moment to read it, but as this is an outside of class sort of project, please plan time on your own to discuss it.”

“James is gonna freak.” Sirius says, grinning at Lily. She rolls her eyes at him.

“You said that last time.” Lily says. “And, like last time, I don’t really care what he thinks, as long as it means you’re going to actually help me do the work.”

“I’ve never been so insulted in my life.” Sirius says, placing a hand gingerly over his heart. “Me, a sweet, delicate fairy--” Lily snorts. “Made to do work? I thought we were friends.”

“We are not.” Lily deadpans.

“We could be. Since we’re keeping each other’s secrets and all.” Sirius drawls, waving his wand around as he chats. “Like friends would do.”

“Be that as it may,” Lily says, gritting her teeth. “A general requirement for friendship is liking each other.”

Sirius laughs at that, drawing the attention of the rest of the class and causing Satiserus to shoot him a sharp look. He lowers his voice to a sardonic whisper. “You don’t like me, Evans? Really? I’ve never noticed.”

Lily scoffs. “You are so full of yourself, you know that? I don’t know what Remus sees in you.”

Sirius freezes at that, blood running cold, and his wand, which was lazily pointed behind them, shoots from it’s wayward tip a few bright, loud sparks. Sirius watches in half-horror, half-delight as the sparks catch on the sheer magnitude of oil in Snape’s hair and catch it perfectly, dreadfully on fire.

The class erupts into chaos, getting up out of their seats and yelling, some girls screaming, but no one louder than Snape, who looks momentarily as if someone poured motor oil on a campfire. 

“Merlin’s sake!” Satiserus curses. She fishes her wand from the pocket of her bell-bottom trousers and points a stream of water at Snape, putting the fire out instantly, as if it were never there at all. It seems to have done no damage, as Snape looks up, absolutely sopping wet and mortified, but otherwise unscathed. Sirius, who has now forgotten why his wand went off in the first place and privately suspects old Snivellus needed a shower anyway, has to bite his lip to keep from losing his cool. Lily has her head in her hands. 

“Mr Black, what on God’s green Earth was that for?!” Satiserus shouts, stuffing her wand in her pocket and striding toward him. Sirius shrinks in his seat.

“It was an accident?” He tries.

“My ass it was.” Says Satiserus, and a few kids gasp. “That’s detention, and I’m busy this week so it’ll have to be next Tuesday.”

“But Miss, that’s Quidditch--!”

“And Lily, dear, I’m sure this wasn’t your fault, but do try and rein him in in the future, alright?” Satiserus says, ignoring him. Lily, flabbergasted, only nods. “Mr Addank, please take Mr Snape to the hospital wing. Now, for the love of Merlin, can we please get back to class?”

Everyone shuffles back to their seats, the show over, and Satiserus launches into a lecture on electricity that contains rather more vitriol than Sirius thinks was planned. He sighs, and Lily nudges him.

“I’m sorry.” She whispers earnestly, and Sirius remembers what she had said to set him off with a grimace.

“Was a bit below the belt, yeah, Evans.”

“I only meant,” Lily says, pausing to glance nervously at Satiserus. “That Remus does like you. I don’t understand for the life of me why, but he does. I saw it.”

Sirius shakes his head, nearly laughing. The only thing Lily Evans has seen Remus feel around him these days is mild disgust and genuine discomfort. Sirius might be an idiot but he’s no fool, and he won’t be suckered into believing Remus sees him that way. Especially not now. Maybe last Spring, there could have been something, there could have been a reason for a touch too long or a breath shared or sitting too close too close but not nearly close enough, but not now. Now, Sirius is more worried about making sure he’s Remus’s friend at all.

Lily can’t know about what they’re going through, the two of them. There’s no way she can see the trillions of glittering feelings they share like stars between them, and there’s no way she knows how Remus feels when he doesn’t even know how Remus feels, devotee that he is. Lily doesn’t know anything at all.

“You don’t know what you’re saying.” Sirius says.

“I do, though.” Lily insists, leaning forward. “I bet you he does.”

“You bet me, huh?” Sirius smirks. Lily screws up her nose a little, clearly apprehensive at the idea, but then she nods. 

“What’s your wager?” She asks, clearly not having thought this through.

Sirius thinks on it for a second. “If you tell James, I’ll tell Remus.”

“Bullshit.” Lily says. “That’s not even a bet, that’s just a stupid deal.”

“Alright.” Sirius says, because she’s right. “You tell James or I will, and vice versa. By… I dunno. Christmas.”

“That’s mental.” Lily says, shaking her head. “I’m not telling James. There’s nothing to tell.”

“Right.” Sirius smirks. “Well, there’s your bet.”

“I hate you.” Lily says, and Sirius almost believes her.

***

Detention with Satiserus is not nearly as bad as having to tell James about detention with Satiserus. Especially because he had greeted Sirius when he left the classroom by monologuing for several exuberant minutes about his many training strategies as newly-appointed team captain. It was truly brutal disappointing James, who didn’t talk to him for nearly the entire afternoon, before depositing himself haphazardly on Sirius’s lap in the common room with a halfhearted: “Pete’ll have to play first beater. Just for this one practice.”

Detention with Satiserus can’t be that bad. In fact, Sirius is in warm spirits when he arrives on Tuesday evening. He’s even brought his homework just in case. He likes Satiserus, is the thing. She’s cool, in a way that he both understands and admires. She doesn’t seem to care what anyone, student or otherwise, seems to think about her. Plus, she favors girls. Which is annoying, but also cool of her.

She is, of course, late, and Sirius spends the few minutes outside her office wondering what sort of punishment he’ll receive. He can’t imagine it’ll be as boring as lines, and Satiserus is far too progressive for anything painful. Maybe she’ll have him read some of Lily’s Feminist Literature.

Satiserus finally opens the door to her office, looking cheerful in a floaty yellow dress. “Hullo, Sirius.” She says, holding the door open for him.

“Hi, miss.” Sirius says, still unwilling to call her Sue.

He follows her into her office, and finds it immediately overwhelming. Like her classroom, it’s a mess, but if her classroom is a mess, then her office is a landfill. Books in piles here and there, parchment spilling off her desk, and most notably shelves and shelves full of muggle contraptions of every variety. Every free bit of space is filled with some tool or another, antique boxes and jewelry, photographs that don’t bother moving. Some items are behind glass walls and labelled funny things like “Don’t touch if you want to keep your fingers!” and “Extremely Cursed.” 

The room is a burst of color and light and Sirius finds himself looking around in awe with his jaw open like a little kid.

“Good way to catch flies, Mr Black.” Satiserus says, amused. “Have a seat.” She motions to the only chair not covered in stuff, and Sirius sits gingerly in it, still trying to take it all in.

“What is all this stuff?” He blurts.

“Great question.” Satiserus says, following his eyes. “As you can see, I’ve a bit of a mess. I was hoping tonight you could help me document it all.”

She waves her wand and a pen and a bit of muggle paper clipped to a little board appear in front of Sirius. He takes them.

“Er--”

“Just write down everything you can see. If you don’t know what it is, describe it as best you can. I’ll know.” Satiserus smirks. “Oh, don’t give me that look. I was going to give you something far less interesting to do but your friend put in a good word.”

“James did?” Sirius is grateful for the thought, but the idea of writing down every single thing in this dragon’s hoard of an office has him cursing James’s name anyway.

Satiserus nods. “He came to me after we last met and assured me that you really didn’t mean to set Mr Snape’s hair on fire. Seemed to think I’d let you off for Quidditch practice because of it, poor lamb.”

Sirius works at a slow crawl, taking down vague descriptions of things with a yawn every few minutes. The objects are interesting, sure, and many of them even appear dangerous, but there’s so many of them that the excitement wears off almost immediately. Turns out when Satiserus said “help me document it all” she meant “document it all your damn self while I sit at my desk and play with my funny muggle tools.” 

Well, okay, that’s not entirely true. Satiserus isn’t watching the telly-vision or doing maths on that instant maths device. In fact, she’s been muttering at one of the more sinister looking objects for a great deal of time now.

It’s a necklace, or rather, an amulet: a circular gold talisman of a snake eating its own tail, with a giant green gem in the middle of it, on a thick braided chain. It’s beautiful, albeit a little gaudy, but there’s something evil-looking about it that Sirius can’t quite place. Like it’s hiding something.

“What’s that?” Sirius blurts over Satiserus’s shoulder. She doesn’t even look up.

“Cursed amulet.” She says. “Whatsit look like?”

“Ok.” Sirius nods. “Why do you have a cursed amulet?” 

“Mind your business.” Satiserus says. Sirius snorts. Never in his life has he minded his business, and he’s not about to start now, not when this evening has just gotten interesting.

“Is it illegal?” Sirius asks innocently. “Are you not telling me because it’s illegal?”

Satiserus snaps her head up to look at him, her afro flouncing a little as she goes. “You are exactly as nosy as James is.” She says. It sounds a little like a compliment.

“I’m nosier, actually.” Sirius grins.

“Charming.” Satiserus says wryly. “I think we’re done here, Mr Black, wouldn’t you say?” 

She holds her hand out for the clipboard and reluctantly, Sirius gives it to her. Checking one of several clocks on the shelves, he sees that he’s been here for nearly two and a half hours already. 

He longs to stay and ask more questions about the amulet, but by the time he’s out the door and on the way to Gryffindor tower, he’s already forgotten about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Read Black Feminist Literature!


	5. Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A dynamic shifts.

The third week of classes comes and goes, giving way easily to the fourth. The thrill of being back at school has quickly waned, replaced with the constant push and pull stress of coursework, and the pressure is on for the sixth years. All of them are swimming in homework already, but still, despite the misery of being a student, it’s impossible to be really unhappy at Hogwarts. Especially when you’re surrounded by Gryffindors. The soundtrack of September has been the laughter of Gryffindor girls, and Lily plays it in her head every night before she goes to sleep, even on the nights when it's been playing around her for real. 

Mary, Marlene and Dorcas are not anything like Sev. She’s said it before, but it becomes more obvious with each passing minute they all spend together. The differences are unlimited, and Lily has thought them over and over again and again. Every casual touch, every raucous laugh, every chat about boys or monologue about Quidditch, everything is different. Lily feels much more at ease, much more like she’s valuable and part of something real, and while she doesn’t always feel known, she feels seen, and that’s enough.

So, she’s sad to leave them in the common room on Monday afternoon to meet with Sirius in the library, even though they’re meeting there at her request. She wanted to get him alone, in an environment where he couldn’t possibly get distracted or cause trouble. He seemed up for it at the time, no more mischievous than usual, which Lily was deeply relieved about. If actually getting work done means missing her roommates, then she’s willing to make the sacrifice.

“Enjoy your date!” Mary says as she’s leaving in a singsong voice. Lily snorts, alight with Sirius’s glorious secret.

“Yeah, right, Mare, I’ll be sure to tell you all the scandalous details when I get back.” Lily waggles her fingers at them and the girls burst out laughing, the sound of their giggles carrying her out of the room.

Sirius is already in the library when Lily gets there, and to her horror, so is James. The two of them are seated at a table with their backs to her, hovering over a large piece of parchment and stage-whispering conspiratorially. Lily sighs.

“Hello.” She says. James jumps, nearly falling out of his chair.

“Lily!” He says, straightening himself out and running a hand through his wild hair in a very panicked sort of way. “Fancy meeting you here!”

Sirius waves his wand idly, and the parchment folds at his command. Lily presumes they’re planning some sort of dangerous or disgusting prank, but she knows better by now, after 5 years, than to get involved. 

“Yes.” Lily drawls, voice dripping with sarcasm as she puts her bag down beside him. “Fancy meeting me here, where I’ve planned to be for several days now, with your best mate.”

James nods excitedly, not unlike an enthusiastic golden retriever. Sirius covers his face.

“Sorry, Evans.” He says, muffled by his hands. Looking closer, Lily notices that he’s wearing nail polish. “He followed me here. I tried to shake him off but he’s too clever.”

“I am quite clever.” James says stupidly, not looking away from Lily. She rolls her eyes.

“Right. Well, can you cleverly leave?” Lily says. She puts her hands on her hips, and doesn’t miss the way James’s eyes flick toward them. He licks his lips and, against her will, Lily reddens.

“I’d rather stay.” James says. He isn’t taunting her, which comes as a surprise. He’s just looking up at her from his seat with eyes that are not brown as Lily had thought, but hazel, looking golden in the low light of the library and flecked with green. Lily’s stomach flip-flops.

“For the love of Merlin!” Sirius says, lifting his head up to glare at them. Lily snaps out of it, and stares resolutely at Sirius, away from James. “Prongs, get out of here. If the two of you spend the entire afternoon making goo goo eyes at each other I swear on my life, I will drown myself in the lake.”

“That’s not--” Lily sputters. “We weren’t--”

“We were.” James says, smiling like a drunk.

“Shut up, James.” Lily says, but it comes out a little less harsh than she hoped. Sirius, who has clearly had enough, pushes James out of his chair, and he lands on the carpet with a thump. 

“Hey!” He says, rubbing his arm like a cartoon character.

“Go away!” Sirius says, grinning down at him. “Look at Lily, she’s desperate to be alone with me, poor girl. You’re inhibiting our love affair.” 

“Sure I am, you pitiable pouf.” James laughs and gets up off the ground, smoothing his trousers. He grins at Lily. “Alright, I can see when I’m not wanted. Glad I got to see you, Lily. Come to Hogsmeade with me next weekend?”

“Not on your life.”

“Figured I’d ask.” James says, completely undeterred. “See you later!”

Lily watches him leave until he’s out of sight, behind shelves of books or sunken into them, as easily as dust or the smell of the pages. She slumps into his chair next to Sirius, feeling as though her body weighs ten tons. 

“Oh, hell.” Lily says, tipping her head back. There is a spider on the ceiling. Beside her, Sirius chuckles.

“I’ll take a ‘you were right, Sirius’ at your earliest convenience.” Comes the inevitable. Lily groans.

“You’ll take no such thing.” She croaks, feeling a bit inhuman. She drags one hand down the side of her face, stretching the skin there like elastic. “You were not right.”

“Uh huh.”

“You weren’t.” Lily says, peeking at him. He’s grinning at her like being right is winning the lottery. For him, it probably is.

“Okay.” Sirius says. Lily groans again.

“He’s just so!” She throws her hands in the air. “He’s just--!”

From her desk in the corner of the room, Madam Pince shushes her. Lily gasps, entirely mollified, and puts her head down like a brick on the table. 

“There there.” Sirius says, and Lily feels his cold hand patting her on the back. She doesn’t even object.

“What is wrong with me?” Lily mutters. “He makes me so angry, like, I just want to fucking strangle him every time he says literally anything, but then he looks at me a certain way, and it’s so disgusting but I just… I just…”

“You feel seen.” Sirius says. “Like he really knows you. Or he doesn’t, but you want him to.”

“Exactly.” Lily breathes.

And it's true. James is everything Lily hates about a person. She’s been over all the things she dislikes about him a million times. Hating James, or at least, holding onto disdain for him, has been a constant murmur, a whisper in her ear, a virus in her blood. There is nothing more natural. The sky is blue, the grass is green, and Lily Evans does not like James Potter. It’s written into her very DNA, but isn’t that love? Is holding onto a feeling so tight that it bleeds you not the same thing as love?

Lily is not the type of person to be so histrionic. She’s never thought of James as anything other than a vaguely handsome nuisance, but things don’t really feel that easy anymore. What if Sirius is right after all, and, more importantly, what if she’s wrong?

“I get it.” Sirius says, after a moment. Lily lifts her head up off the table, having forgotten that he was even there. “This idea that someone could understand you, like, including all the things you don’t like about yourself. It’s fuckin’ scary. But also, you want it so bad. Like if he knew me, like really really knew me, would he love me anyway?”

Lily is certain he isn’t talking about her anymore. 

“And like, it’s almost like I don’t want him to sometimes. Like, I almost want to tell him just so he’ll say no. Like maybe it’ll humble me or something, I don’t know.”

“Sirius…” Lily mumbles. She places her hand on his arm, and when he turns to look at her, he looks exceptionally miserable. “This is all very dramatic.”

Sirius barks a surprised laugh. “I suppose it is. I’m very good at that, you know, being dramatic?” 

“So I’ve been told.” Lily says slyly. Sirius smiles at her.

“I wish I could tell you all of the gory details, Evans.” He says. “I know you don’t like me all that much, but I think you deserve to know this stuff about me and Remus. And James, too, if you wanted.”

Lily stares at him, remembering how everything she knew about the boys in her year shifted irreparably only a few weeks ago, and has been shifting ever since, like the moving staircases. Perhaps it’s true that she was doing them all a disservice in believing they were entirely awful. After all, no one is completely evil. Not even Sirius Black.

(James, of course, cannot be afforded that lenience. Perhaps she does have a crush on him. Fine. But she can’t indulge it. He’s an awful person, he’d get bored of her within a week, he doesn’t really like her. She cannot consider the alternative.)

“I’m not sure what I want, Sirius.” She says honestly. “But I don’t think I’d mind knowing more. Since we’re such great friends and all.”

“I thought friends had to like each other.” Sirius says, but he’s back to grinning at her.

“Not always.” Lily laughs, nudging him with her elbow. “Not completely, anyway.”

***

Things are a little different after that. Lily doesn’t feel so inclined to look at the boys in her year with disdain, anyway. Despite her efforts to continue on hating them like nothing has happened, for the next week, Lily finds herself more endeared than disgusted. It does help that they aren’t teasing her as much, especially James, and have only been targeting the Slytherins, and only where it won’t inconvenience Lily.

(Lily isn’t stupid. She notices the Slytherins all look tired on Wednesday morning, a few of them covered in a pungent green substance, and the four Gryffindor boys all look chipper. She just elects not to ask.)

Mary, Dorcas, and Marlene seem to notice something’s up, and Lily walks in on them whispering about it exactly twice before she gets fed up and sits them all down in the dorm to explain herself.

“So you’re telling me Sirius Black has a crush on someone, and you can’t tell us who or he’ll tell James that you want to have his children?” Mary asks shrilly, thrilled that Lily is finally admitting her interest in boys.

“First of all, gross, Mare.” Lily says, pulling a face. “But yeah, he said he’d tell James that I like him if I ever tell anyone.”

Which isn’t entirely true, but it’s not a lie either.

“I respect that.” Dorcas says sensibly. “But…”

“It’s not any of us, is it?” Marlene asks, blunt as ever.

Lily shakes her head. “Not any of us, no.”

The dorm is quiet for a moment, filled with the palpable, desperate desire to know who Sirius Black, Hogwarts Most Desirable, likes enough to keep it a secret. Lily swallows, nearly regretting saying anything at all.

“Lil.” Marlene prods, gently. The nickname is new, and thus rare, and Lily is well aware that Marlene is about to use her nicknaming powers for evil. “Is Sirius’s crush a girl?”

Mary gasps audibly, covering her mouth. Lily bites her lip. “I can’t… I can’t tell you.”

“Alright then.” Marlene nods, and that’s that. None of them say anything for a long, agonizing moment, until finally Mary flops back onto her bed.

“Boys!” She cries, and soon the rest of them join in, laughing merrily as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened, but Lily doesn’t miss the way Dorcas stares at Marlene like she’s holding two tickets to the Quidditch World Cup.

The most noticeable change, though, is that Sirius is making an effort to be friendly with her. In the past few days, he’s saved a seat for her at lunch, waved her over in the common room just to say hello, and tossed her a chocolate frog from his seat next to James in Potions. Lily knows she said they could be friends, but she didn’t expect him to be so, well, serious about it. 

Not that she doesn’t appreciate the change. Sirius is, in all honesty, a very doting person. Perhaps it’s because she knows his secrets. Or perhaps sharing a secret doesn’t make two people into two friends, but after sharing several secrets, it becomes inevitable.

***

“Your hair looks ridiculous.”

They’re walking to class. Sirius’s pointed-toe boots (which are certainly not dress-code appropriate) clack on the floor of the hallway. Lily is affronted at his hypocrisy, honestly, considering  _ his  _ hair has been charmed to look teased like Muggles sometimes do, all big and punk. 

“Excuse me?”

“Your ha-air.” Sirius sings, adding a few extra syllables to the word. “It looks fantastic.”

“You said ridiculous.”

“Well, yeah.” Sirius says, waving his hand dismissively. “I meant it as a compliment.”

“Okay.” Lily says, like that makes any sense at all. It’s quiet for a moment, and when she looks down, Sirius is staring up at her expectantly. Reluctantly, she continues. “I washed it last night and slept on it, and now it’s fuller.”

“Is that all?” 

Lily shrugs. “I’m lucky, I guess. My hair always does what I want it to do.”

“I hate you.” Sirius says, throwing his head back theatrically. “Mine only does what I want after a great deal of effort. I’m up earlier than any of the others just fucking around with it.”

“I cannot believe no one knows you’re a pouf.” Lily deadpans. Sirius laughs.

“Well, James does. And I can name several boys in our year who do, too.” He waggles his eyebrows at her. 

“Don’t be disgusting.” Lily says, as they finally reach the Muggle Studies classroom. There’s a rush of activity, the room filling up with chattering students, and of course Satiserus is nowhere to be seen.

“Can’t help it.” Sirius says with feeling. “It’s in my nature.”

The two of them take their seats at the table, the sun shining in through the generous windows, and Lily takes a moment to fish  _ The Bluest Eye _ out of her bag. She finished it (for the fiftieth time) the other night in bed, but she figured, since he seemed so interested last time, she’d lend it to Sirius.

“Here.” Lily hands him the book. 

“Oh.” Sirius says. He looks blankly down at it, like it might bite.

“Figured you might like to borrow it.” Lily prods. Sirius visibly gulps.

“I--” Sirius starts, then stops. He looks rather constipated. “Thanks.”

“Of course.” Lily says plainly.

Perhaps if she were one of Sirius’s other friends, the rowdy bunch of knuckleheaded boys she’s grown to vaguely tolerate over the past week or two rather than outright detest for their chauvinism and stupidity and yes, comradery, Lily would have prodded him to speak his mind. Perhaps she would have asked him what he’s on about. Perhaps she would have learned something about him that she hadn’t known, the method to his madness, maybe.

Perhaps if she had let herself know anyone other than Sev for the past five years. Perhaps if she were less proud. Perhaps if she were more foolhardy, or more brave. 

But she’s not.

In the end, Lily settles on leaning gingerly on Sirius’s arm and reading along with him. If he minds, he doesn’t show it.

Satiserus is even later than usual, which Lily notices despite the room-clouding pleasure of being sucked into a book, storming in when the class is already half over and looking very purple. She’s gripping a largish jewelry box in one dragonskin-gloved hand, and running the other over her unusually wild afro. Haphazardly shoved under her arm is a large canvas bag. Lily is half certain her dress is on backwards. Frankly, she looks like she’s seen a ghost.

“Hello, everyone.” Satiserus snaps, startling them all, including a few kids who were definitely asleep. “Sorry about the hour. Can’t stay. Work on your projects.”

She tosses her bag on her desk, ignoring the whispering students around her, and it lands on its side, dumping its contents onto the floor and scattering the mess of papers already there.

“Motherfucker.” Satiserus says under her breath. She raises her wand and magically shoves the lot inside, wrinkling everything as she goes with a painful crunch.

“Er, miss!” starts the good-looking Ravenclaw boy that sits kitty-corner behind them, to Lily’s relief. “What’s going on? Are you sure this is--”

“I can’t explain.” Satiserus snaps. She chews on her lower lip and then sighs. “But I’ll tell you all next week, okay?”

The Ravenclaw boy, who once again has been caught off guard by her unforgiving honesty, merely nods, and Lily, satisfied as well, grabs her notes for the project. She looks at Sirius, but he’s watching Satiserus leave the room, brow furrowed. Lily follows his eyes. 

Satiserus is still holding the jewelry box.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WAITING FOR THIS OH MY GOD. I'm so sorry this chapter came so late, work has been a mess. 
> 
> Anyway, I'm posting art and fics on tumblr now @fruityhag if that interests you. Feel free to come chat with me over there. As always, I love your comments! XOXO


	6. Breakdown, Buildup

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which James Potter is a very good friend.

Sirius forgets about Satiserus almost immediately.

Sure, he spends the rest of the class badgering Lily about it, outright refusing to think about their project and instead opting to obsess over whether or not Satiserus is doing anything illegal, and if it is illegal, is it the groovy kind of illegal or the dark magic kind, and if it’s the dark magic kind, Merlin’s balls, Lil, wouldn’t that be just the tits, coolest professor we’ve ever had and she’s doing dark magic? The entire experience is wholly traumatic, really, because Sirius can’t even tug on his hair about it since he spent so much time that morning charming it to look teased.

But despite everything, Sirius forgets about it the second he leaves the room, because James is there waiting for him again.

“Hey mate.” Sirius says, grinning like he didn’t just see James a couple of hours ago. “Looking for Lily?”

“Not this time.” James says, which only makes sense because Lily is standing right there. She rolls her eyes and gives Sirius a little wave before turning around and leaving. James, clearly thinking the wave is for him, floats a little. Quite literally. Sirius has to pull him down by the wrist before people start to stare. 

“Why are you here, you goon?” Sirius demands, grinning widely and snapping in James’s face with his free hand. James blinks.

“Sorry, sorry.” He says, shaking his head. He screws up his face in the way that Sirius has come to know means he’s trying to look grown up, like whatever he’s about to say is no laughing matter and will probably be hilarious. Sirius lets go of him. “Wanted to talk to you, didn’t I?”

“For the last time, Prongs, I’m flattered, but I’m not interested.” Sirius says, deciding he won’t let whatever James is losing sleep about affect his lunch. He walks backward down the hall, idly conjuring little firecrackers around them and scaring a gaggle of Slytherin firsties as he goes.

“And I’ll forever be heartbroken.” James deadpans, following after him. “No, really, Padfoot, a word? It’s about Moony.”

Sirius stops in his tracks, firecrackers fizzing out pathetically around them. James winces.

“Sorry, look, I know you don’t wanna talk about him. And I get it, I do, but you’ve got to talk about it eventually, and--”

“Actually, I don’t. I--”

“And I’m your brother.” James grabs Sirius’s arm and looks him directly in the eye. “So I think you ought to talk to me about it.”

Sirius searches his face for a moment and, finding it unyielding, sighs dramatically. It’s rare that the two of them have important conversations. They’re brothers, just like James says, closer than blood, but generally when there’s a problem, a real pressing serious problem, they aren’t the talking type. They’re good for distracting each other with jokes or pranks or dancing around the dorm to The Supremes, but with the exception of recent events, they aren’t much for talking about feelings. 

(That’s Moony’s job.) 

“Yeah alright.” Sirius says. 

Four and a half minutes later, they’re in the hallway that leads down past the Hufflepuff dormitories to the fruit bowl painting with the ticklish pear. They haven’t said anything, except for when James grunted that they couldn’t head outside (for fear that Moony would be there on his free period) and the silence is incredibly heavy.

Sirius tickles the pear with grim determination. He knows he’s being childish, but the last thing in the world he wants to do is have an Important Conversation about Remus. 

The thing is, he and Remus are doing fine. Sure, they aren’t sitting close enough to touch anymore, in separate chairs where they would normally have been squashed together on the couch. And fine, when Moony laughs at a joke he makes, it doesn’t really reach his eyes. And okay, sometimes when he thinks Sirius isn’t looking-- which is ridiculous in itself, really, because Sirius is always looking-- Remus lowers his guard and allows himself to appear briefly, entirely miserable. A full body sad that seeps into the room around him and makes Sirius want to crawl into a hole and stay there until he eventually starves to death.

But they’re talking again, sometimes. Remus doesn’t look at him like it disgusts him to do so. That’s got to count for something, right?

Ok, so maybe they aren’t fine. But Sirius really, really doesn’t want to talk about it. 

The kitchens are, of course, bursting with life. The sweet smells of chicken and beans and vegetables and pumpkin juice and of course, dessert pastries assault Sirius’s dog-nose with a particular ferocity and make James break out in a goofy, childlike grin. House elves bop around with a practiced efficiency, working together in perfect tandem to make lunch, which James and Sirius are about to miss. Despite their rapid movement, they don’t appear to be stressed, because house elves are never stressed, and in fact offer James and Sirius some toast and jam for their trouble.

James greets a few of them by name, because he’s kind like that, and then ushers Sirius to their spot, toast in hand. They found the little hole in the wall alcove above the fireplace perfect for sitting after discovering how to get into the kitchens at the end of their second year. It’s a tight fit now that they’re teenagers, but they make it work by not having any boundaries whatsoever and sitting practically on top of eachother.

“So.” James says, when they finally tetris themselves together in a mismatched boy-pile, Sirius half on James’s lap.

“So.” Sirius replies.

“Moon on Friday.” James says slowly.

“I know.” Sirius says back.

“Are you coming?”

Sirius gapes at him, affronted. “Of course I’m fucking coming. I’ve come every month for the past year and a half, haven’t I?”

And well, that’s not true. He didn’t go this summer, because they never get to go during the summer, and he didn’t go that one night. James gives him a withering look.

“Don’t be a bitch.” He says, as if Sirius has ever been anything else. “I’m asking because you and Moony haven’t so much as looked at each other since the last one.”

“Sure we have--”

“Staring at him like he’s a particularly delicious treacle tart when he’s not looking doesn’t count.” James quips, earning himself a smack on the arm.

“Oh fuck off! I don’t look at him like that!” Sirius says, nearly smacking him again as he gesticulates with his hands. “I look at him with… with Shakespearian longing! I look at him like he hung the stars! I look at him like we were birds bred in captivity to be perfectly matched with one another, Prongs!”

“Same thing. Also, gross.” James says, smiling a little bit. “You’re avoiding the point. What I’m trying to say is you clearly haven’t talked about it yet, and I think you should.”

“And I’m trying to say you can eat slugs.”

James raises a brow. Sirius sighs.

“Sorry. It’s not your fault.” He says. “I just really, really don’t want to talk about it.”

“I know, mate.”

“It’s just fucking hard, you know?” Sirius says, giving in and attempting to put to word the heavy, heady feeling that’s been crawling around inside him for probably several years. “Like, I’m crazy about him, James. I know we’re all best mates, but it’s different for me.”

“Obviously.” James says, not willing to miss a chance to take the piss.

“Obviously.” Sirius repeats. “Shut up, I’m trying to use my words here.”

“Do go on.”

“I’m crazy about him.” Sirius says again with feeling, breathing out. “I look at him and I wanna. I dunno. I wanna do stupid shit.”

“I get it.” James nods, because Lily Evans makes him do stupid shit, but that’s not at all what Sirius means. James can’t possibly know what Sirius means, because the mass of it is unknowable, beyond either of their understanding, and Sirius feels it like a giant fir tree growing in his chest, its weight pressing him down into cold brown earth.

“No you don’t.” Sirius says, forgetting all his hair teasing hard work and running his shaking hands through his fringe. “I don’t want to make a scene. I mean, sometimes I do, but mostly I look at Moony and I want peace and quiet. He makes me want peace and quiet. He makes me want to lay down in bed and just fucking stare at him, or something. Just sit together, me and him, until we grow old and die. Prongs, mate, I want to be his fucking housewife. I want to have little Moony-shaped kids and raise them from home while he works a nine-to-five at the Ministry.”

Sirius laughs maniacally, only vaguely aware of the tell-tale prick of tears in his eyes. He stares at his shoes to avoid the concerned look on James’s face.

“I don’t want anything else. I don’t care about a job or an apartment or anything after school. You know what I said when Minnie asked about my career? I said I don’t care. Because I fucking don’t. All I care about is Moony. All I want is a fucking future with him, James, and---”

Sirius chokes up and James, best friend that he is, grabs him and pulls him into a crushing hug, which only makes Sirius feel worse.

“And--and it feels impossible!” Sirius says wetly, getting snot all over James’s robes. “It’s always felt impossible, but last year it was only mostly impossible, and right now it's like. Over, done, never gonna happen!”

“Padfoot…” James says.

“I’m in love with him, James, do you understand me?” Sirius pulls back to look his friend in the eye. The concerned look is still there, emphasized by a visible layer of bewilderment. “I’m in love with him, and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.”

There is a beat of silence which is made louder by the scream of eye contact. Finally Sirius breaks it to wipe his face with the sleeve of his robes.

“Okay.” James says, letting out a little breath. “Thanks for telling me all this.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m not going to tell you that you’re being a drama queen,” James continues, talking over Sirius’s groan. “Even though you are, because that would make me a hypocrite and also a terrible brother.” 

“Thanks a million.” Sirius grumbles.

“I’m not finished.” James says, smiling a little. “I’m not gonna tell you that you’re being a drama queen, but I am going to tell you, once again, that you really ought to talk to Moony.”

“Ugh.” Sirius leans his head back until it hits the hard stone wall of the alcove. “And say what? Hey, Moonbeam, want to move to a little farmhouse in the Scottish countryside with me and father the next heir to the House of Black?”

“Well, no, maybe not that.” James says thoughtfully. “Not sure I’d tell a diary that, personally. Maybe a shrink?”

“Fuck off.” Sirius says, grinning at the ceiling.

“Perhaps a poetry reading?”

“Read my bullocks, you specky bastard!” Sirius shouts, giving James a shove that nearly lands him on the floor below. James laughs, and Sirius laughs with him, feeling a little lighter.

He and James are not, and have never really been the talking about feelings type. That’s Moony’s job, but Moony has always been grown up, leaving the rest of them to sort of catch up on their own, without their knowledge or permission. Nearly sixteen, the lot of them, James and Sirius and even Peter, turning into young adults right under their own noses. Even Padfoot and Prongs have to grow up at some point.

“Really, though.” James says. “You don’t have to talk to him about your domestic gay fantasies, but you should talk to him. After the moon, maybe.”

It’s not a suggestion. Sirius sighs.

“Alright.” He says. “Alright.”

“And you know, I do know how you feel.” James places a hand on his heart, a familiar look in his eye. “Why, when Evans waved at me earlier, she set my young soul on fire--”

“Ugh!”

***

The day of the moon goes by quicker than Sirius expected. Potions first thing in the morning usually has him trying to reign James in from some outlandish efforts to impress Lily, but he’s embarrassingly quiet today, presumably out of respect for Sirius. It’s a reprieve from Remus, too, as he and Pete had opted out of Advanced Potions after fifth year, but it seems to go by in an instant.

Remus isn’t at lunch for very long. When Sirius and James get there, he’s chatting with Lily, but his eyes are elsewhere. The good-looking Ravenclaw boy who sits kitty-corner behind Sirius in Muggle Studies is hovering nervously at the Gryffindor table, and Remus is glaring daggers at him. 

“Hullo.” Sirius says, and the boy’s face lights up. Sirius immediately knows why he’s here, based on the look in his eye and the blush on his cheeks, but he can’t imagine what he’s done to make Remus look at him like that. Perhaps it’s just the full moon grumpiness.

“Sirius. Hi.” The boy says, a little breathlessly. “I’m Batin. Er, Batin Greengrass?”

Pureblood name. Says the voice of Walburga Black in Sirius’s head. A good match, all things considered. Sirius shakes her out.

“You sit behind me in Muggle Studies.” Sirius says, smiling up at him. 

He’s tall. Not as tall as Remus, nor as thin, but he’s taller than Sirius, at least, not that that’s much of a stretch. His hair is as blonde and neatly cut as the rest of him, so, despite his blood status, Sirius doubts they’re too closely related. All of Sirius’s closest relatives are carbon copies of black hair and gray eyes and poorly hidden insanity, in shades of tussock brown that are light, but not nearly as light as Batin’s pink pearly skin.

“Yes!” Batin grins, nodding a little too excitedly, like Sirius is some kind of celebrity. “Yes I do!”

“What can I do for you, Batin Greengrass?” Sirius says like he doesn’t already know the answer, leaning over Remus to get a glass of pumpkin juice. Remus crushes the scone he’s holding in one hand with a crunch, and Sirius catches both James and Lily looking at it with concern. He chooses to ignore them.

“Er.” Batin says. Sirius takes a sip of his drink and watches Batin’s eyes follow it down his throat. “I was um. Told that you knew my friend Reg?”

Sirius smirks. “I have known him, yes.”

Remus stands up abruptly, jostling the table, grabs his things and strides out of the room, his hands balled into fists. Sirius turns to watch him go, mouth agape, then meets James’s eye. He shakes his head and follows Remus out. Lily scoffs and picks up James’s Daily Prophet, hiding her grimace behind it. Sirius looks back at Batin, who seems as surprised as he is, feeling rather guilty, though he can’t place why.

“Er.” Batin says again.

“Sorry about that.” Sirius says, covering it up easily and placing a hand on Batin’s bicep. His blue eyes go wide and he stares at Sirius’s thin fingers. “He’s a bit peaky today. You were saying? About knowing?”

Batin swallows. “Was just wondering if you were free tomorrow night. For some. Er. Knowing.”

Sirius laughs, giving Batin’s bicep a little squeeze. He’s that lovely shade of maroon again. It wouldn’t be so bad to kiss him. He’s good-looking for sure, and Sirius could use something to take his mind off Remus, even if it’s a mildly embarrassing Ravenclaw looking for some self-help.

Distantly, Sirius wonders if it’s not degrading, letting himself be the homosexuality trial run, but hey, someone’s got to do it.

“Not tomorrow night.” Sirius says, because he knows he’ll be exhausted. “Sunday.”

“That’s Quidditch practice.”

“I’ll see you behind the stands, then.” Sirius winks, gives Batin’s arm a little pat, and sits down. He helps himself to a ham sandwich, and doesn’t need to turn around to know that Batin is still there, gaping at him.

(If Lily gives him a long-suffering look of disappointment as Batin awkwardly heads back to his own table, Sirius makes a point not to acknowledge it.)

***

The moon is bright, hanging low by the time Sirius arrives outside the shack. He decided last minute to be late, to give Remus some space to be vulnerable without him. He wasn’t late last time, but it feels different this time, less rushed by their arrival at Hogwarts, like every move he makes is deliberate and important. He doesn’t want to make the wrong move.

He changes under the light of the sinister moon and bounds on four legs into the forest. Padfoot’s big paws scrape the rough ground, barely hitting the knobbled roots and half-wet undergrowth as he runs, nose in the air, in the direction of the Wolf’s scent.

There is nothing at all like running under the full moon. It is refreshing unlike anything else. Sirius feels new and raw. His guilt is not present here, replaced by the simpler dog-feeling of desperation.

Padfoot finds them in a clearing. Prongs is standing stock-still with Wormtail on his antlers, eyes on him, and the Wolf has its face to the moon.

Padfoot yips, quiet enough to not cause alarm, and approaches the Wolf on careful paws. Moony turns to look at him, and Sirius feels the scrutiny of its animal gaze like it’s just Remus in there, finally looking at him.

But it isn’t Remus. He and the Wolf are one, of course, but they also aren’t. Not really, and it’s evidenced by the way the Wolf makes room at its side and noses Padfoot’s fur affectionately, like they’re still pack. Like the togetherness never left. Padfoot licks Moony’s face, making the great bloody beast snuffle as if it's laughing.

Satisfied with this, the Wolf turns its face back to the moon. Padfoot joins it, shoulder to shoulder, haunch to haunch and together, in perfect unison, they open their throats and howl.

***

In the morning, after they carry Remus back to the shack, James and Peter leave them alone. Sirius crawls into the rickety, torn old bed beside Remus, tucking himself in the crook of his arm and mumbling little healing charms into the heat of his newly pieced together flesh. He tells himself that Remus wants the warmth of him there, which is true most of the time, even though Sirius usually runs cold. Six months ago, Sirius would have wondered if it’s the warmth Remus was after or the body, but it’s not six months ago.

“Padfoot.” Remus mumbles, arms sliding around him.

“Alright?” Sirius whispers, breath caught in his burning lungs.

“I don’t forgive you.” Remus says quickly. Sirius flinches. “But I need…”

“Yeah?” 

“Need you.” Remus says, hissing at the stretch of his own limbs. Sirius has his hands on Remus’s arms in an instant, murmuring the healing charms again. He doesn’t need his wand, not anymore. He could do this in his sleep. “Need you here.”

“I’m here.” Sirius says. “I’m right here.”

Remus falls asleep, after a moment, breath hot against Sirius’s forehead, holding him tight in his arms. They don’t talk, even though Sirius promised. It will have to wait. He can’t bring himself to wake him. Remus is endlessly beautiful as he sleeps, completely serene despite his obvious pain. In an hour or so, the sun will be up, Madame Pomfrey will be here, and Sirius will have to make a quick escape. They’ll go back to normal, or what’s normal now, best friends turned near-strangers, and Sirius will have to resist looking at him. But for now, in Remus’s arms, he has the lion’s share of looking, at Remus’s lips and cheeks and nose and eyelashes. Looking, and pretending, in this liminal space between the bliss of packmates and the ache of used-to-be, that the togetherness is real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR YOUR PATIENCE. Work had me exhausted every day this week and it took me forever to get here. Against my better judgement I'm actually posting this chapter early (i write a chapter in advance and the next one isn't ready yet) bc I feel just awful that it's taken me so long. Hopefully it will be back on schedule soon. Thanks again for your patience, and I hope you enjoyed this brief reprieve from the actual plot for Sirius to be emo and a little bit flirty lol. 
> 
> Lily next! Come find me on tumblr @ fruityhag or twitter @ JEHANCOURF :) and thanks for all your comments!


	7. The Telling of Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone is missing, someone is made-up, someone is maudlin, and once again James Potter is an excellent friend.

On Sunday, Lily wakes up late. She doesn’t often like waking up late, she usually prefers to get up with the sun, because magic is still exciting to her and she doesn’t want to miss out on it, but Sunday is a reprieve from schoolwork and even she’s not one to waste it. Besides, the Cool Girls she now calls her dearest friends sleep in on Sunday mornings, too, and she gets the absolute pleasure of planning her day off around them.

This morning, however, Lily wakes up to a commotion. So much commotion in fact that she’s surprised she woke up late at all. Mary’s singsong voice raises up above the haze of her morning sleepiness, followed by Dorcas’s barking laugh, which is muffled presumably by her hand or a pillow or something, and then, a voice that Lily has become embarrassingly fond of as of late.

“Oh, Dorcas, don’t hide that laugh!” Says, of all the people in the world, Sirius fucking Black. “It’s so distinctive!”

“Sirius…” Lily groans, pulling back the curtain of her bed to glare at him. She really is growing weary of his showing up everywhere. “What the hell are you doing here?”

Her friends are spread out across the room, which looks as though a particularly nasty explosive hex has gone off. The girls’ clothes, both Muggle and Witch, are strewn across the floor and shelves and beds, and makeup bags are open in equal disarray. The color of it all is alarming, and smack dab in the middle, sharing a bed with a very smug-looking Marlene, is Sirius, who appears to be having his nails done. 

“If by distinctive, you mean embarrassing, then I dare say you’re right.” Dorcas says. She’s wearing a thick layer of eyeliner, which glows against her dark skin and causes Lily to do a double-take, as she’s always been so tomboyish. “And good morning, Lil. Nice of you to join us.”

“What--”

“Sirius has got a date.” Mary says, grinning. She’s wearing what appears to be a Muggle bat mitzvah dress, and looking very lovely indeed as she twirls around the room.

“For the last time,” Sirius says languidly, tipping his head back to glare at the ceiling. “It’s not a date. I’m just meeting him under the Quidditch stands for some snogging.”

“Oh.” Lily says, pushing down her disgust. In the past few days, she’s grown to really hate Batin Greengrass. It’s not that she thinks Sirius shouldn’t mess around. It’s just that the heartbreak on Remus’s face, that Sirius didn’t even notice, has been burned onto the inside of her eyelids. Instead, she decides to broach the more pressing matter. “You’ve come out, then?”

“Marlene cornered me.” Sirius says, grinning. “She said ‘I know you’ve got a crush on someone, and I know it’s a boy, and I’m so sad you’re off the market for us girls, because I would have really liked to--’”

“I said I knew he was bent and I didn’t care, on account of being a lesbian and all.” Marlene interrupts, matter-of-factly. “And then I told him that he’s welcome to join the rest of us girls whenever he wants.”

“He’s not a girl, Leen.” Lily says, chuckling. She sneaks a look at Dorcas, who hasn’t said anything of note, but is watching Marlene with a dazed sort of admiration that Lily finds rather endearing. 

“Not usually.” Sirius agrees. “But I’m not quite a boy either.”

“Either way.” Mary says thoughtfully. “He’s not going to be terrible, so he’s allowed in here. Although, I have to say, I’m a little disappointed I’m not included in your gay little club.”

“Mary, I say this with utmost affection.” Marlene says. “But you are far too slutty to not be bisexual.”

Sirius barks a surprised laugh, jostling his hands. Mary turns a familiar shade of crimson.

“McKinnon!” She shrieks, lifting her petticoats. “If I wasn’t so dolled up right now, I’d stab you with these heels!”

“Right.” Lily says, laughing along with them. “And why are you so dolled up, Mare? Still haven’t got an answer to that one.”

“Sirius has a date!”

“With you?”

“Well, no.” Mary says. “But he asked Marlene to do his nails, since he lacks the coordination--”

“Hey!”

“And then she offered him some other makeup, because they’re so close in skin tone and all, and I was like, have you got any eyeliner, because I’m all out, and then Dorcas said she does, because her mother keeps buying them for her, and then Leen did hers for her, and then Sirius offered to show us all how to do that goth sort of thing he does with it, and one thing led to another and now we’re all playing dress up.”

Mary takes a deep breath in, having said this all in one go, and Lily looks around at her friends. They all look beautiful, as usual, half dressed and made up like they’re going out for a night on the town or, in Mary’s case, becoming a woman. She shakes her head, amused.

“You ought to join us, Lils.” Sirius says, a sly grin creeping across his face. 

“Oh no, I couldn’t--”

But Mary’s already bouncing up and down on her heels, and Marlene, having just finished Sirius’s left pinkie, is digging in her bag determinedly, and Dorcas is dutifully handing over the stick of eyeliner to Sirius’s waiting, painted hand. Lily is outnumbered, four to one, and she’d be an idiot to deny them.

This is how, at noon on a Sunday morning, before she’s even showered, Lily finds herself wrestled into a lovely yellow sundress that is far too short on her tall, skinny frame, hair perfectly tied back in fetching french braids, and face decorated in bold black eyeliner and shiny coral lipstick. Her freckles aren’t covered, but rather highlighted with a pretty pink blush that Marlene told her to keep, as it was much too light for her in the first place, and her chest is puffed up with a spell that Mary expertly applied to Lily’s own bra, since none of the others had small enough cup sizes. She feels a little like a Barbie doll, but it’s still fun. 

Maybe she wouldn’t go this far to look feminine on her own time, but she does like the makeup at least. No harm in that.

“Oh, Lils!” Sirius exclaims, his own red lipstick catching on the s in her nickname. “You look stunning, love.”

“I feel weird.” Lily says honestly. “I don’t, uh. I don’t think I’ll do this again.”

“That’s fine.” Marlene says, putting a reassuring hand on her arm. “It’s just for fun.”

“Yeah.” Dorcas says. “I sure as hell won’t do this again, unless you lot make me. We’re all much prettier when we’re comfortable, right?”

Lily nods, letting out a sigh of relief. Femininity comes easy to her, both because of and despite her transness. She’s feminine in her own way, a way that she likes very much most of the time, but she wouldn’t be silly to worry that her friends would want her to be feminine in their way, a more acceptable, make-up and dress-wearing way. Especially Sirius, who is giving her an odd look. 

“I’m going to do my hair.” He says. “Anyone want to watch?”

“Absolutely.” Mary says. “It always looks so good, I need to know your secret.”

Sirius begins to chatter about his hair, tearing the girls attention away from Lily, and she finds herself zoning out, lost in thought about how much she loves her friends, and a little bit about how she loves herself, too. The room moves around her and she, as she so often does these days, allows herself to feel washed in the feeling of inclusion. It’s so nice to be wanted, just as you are.

She’s pulled out of her thoughts by a familiar, faraway voice.

“Hey!” James Potter yells up the girls’ dormitory stairs. Everyone in the room shuts up immediately. “Is Evans up there, and follow-up question, does she know where Sirius is?!”

Lily scrambles up from her seat on her bed, smoothing her sundress and determinedly ignoring her friends’ tittering. She pokes her head out the door to find James, at the bottom of the stairs, looking rather dashing in his full Quidditch uniform. She doesn’t miss his face go slack at the sight of her, and smiles a coral-lipstick smile.

“Hullo, Potter.” She says slyly, slipping out of the dorm to stand primly on the landing. “We’ve got Sirius in here, actually. He’s teaching the girls how he does his hair.”

“Lily.” James breathes. “You look. Um.”

“We’ve all been dressing up.” She says, and then just for fun, does a little twirl. “I’m not really one for this sort of thing, but I’m a good sport, you see.”

“Yes.” James says stupidly. He looks absolutely dumbstruck, but for once it doesn’t make Lily doesn’t feel uncomfortable, and rather that he really is just in awe of her. It’s a new feeling, but a good one. She can’t help but blush under her makeup. “Sorry. You look so pretty. Sorry.”

Lily laughs at him, and at herself, and at the joy of it all. 

“Thanks, James.” She says plainly. “You wanted Sirius?”

“Right.” James says, shaking his head like he’s trying to clear it. “Tell him I said impromptu Quidditch practice, starting in 20, and if he doesn’t show, I’m going to kick his delicate, pompous little derriere into next Tuesday. Tell him exactly that, in those words, please.”

“WHAT?!” Yells Sirius from inside the dormitory. There is a shuffling, and then Sirius is beside Lily on the landing, looking catatonic. 

“You look pretty, too, mate.” James says.

“Fuck you!” Sirius shouts. “I just got all dressed up! I’m not getting on a broom now!”

“Yes you are.” James says, seemingly unbothered by Sirius’s outburst. “If we’re to beat Ravenclaw to the pitch, anyway.”

“Raven--!” Sirius huffs, storming down the stairs to get in James’s face. He lowers his voice to a stage-whisper. “Why you meddling, aggravating, obsessive little fruitcake! This is about the good-looking Ravenclaw boy I’m meant to meet today, isn’t it?!” 

“How dare you.” James deadpans, winking up at Lily. “I’d never come between you and a boy you can’t even remember the name of. What sort of friend would I be?”

Sirius groans. “You’re the worst!” He says, half-heartedly pushing James. “Now I’m going to be all sweaty when I meet him!” 

Across the room, unbeknownst to the drama before them, the door opens, and in spill Remus and Peter. Lily is not ignorant to the way Remus’s eyes immediately find Sirius, all dolled up in his lipstick and eyeliner and what appears to be Marlene’s blouse, and widen dramatically. He quickly stumbles his way up to the boys’ side and closes the door behind him. Sirius’s shoulders fall.

“You could just, you know. Not meet him.” James says quietly. 

“You don’t even really like him.” Lily pipes up. James shoots her an appreciative smile.

“You don’t understand.” Sirius says to no one in particular, and then turns around and heads back into the girls’ room, leaving James and Lily standing awkwardly on the steps in his wake. 

***

Lily does not go watch the Quidditch practice, despite the hilarity of both Dorcas and Sirius having to play in a full face of makeup, because she is no traitor. She refuses to watch Sirius make eyes at Batin Greengrass when she could instead spend her time in a more productive way, like consoling Remus Lupin.

After changing back into a tee shirt and jeans, she makes her way to the library, the most likely place for Remus to wander. He can’t hole himself up in the dorm room forever, he’s sure to get bored or antsy eventually, and Lily is going to catch him when he does.

It doesn’t take long. Lily’s only a few pages into a book on magical swords throughout history when he wanders in. She doesn’t look up when he sits stiffly down beside her, nor when he puts his head in his hands. She merely pats his back reassuringly.

“Lily.” Remus says shakily after a few moments of hopefully soothing silence. “Am I an idiot?”

“You’re going to need to be more specific.” 

“You’ve been hanging out with Sirius.” He says, giving her a withering look. “He’s rubbing off on you.”

“I should hope not.” Lily scoffs, but she doesn’t really mean it. Even a month ago, she’d be horrified at the notion, but nowadays, she doesn’t mind it, being a bit like Sirius. Mostly. 

“I have a crush on Sirius.” Remus blurts, then claps his hand over his mouth like it shocks him. Lily just nods.

“About time you said something about it.” Lily notes. “Have you told anyone else?”

Remus shakes his head, not even bothering to look surprised at Lily’s disinterest. “James knows, I think, but I haven’t told him.”

“He doesn’t mind.” Lily says. Remus’s eyes widen and fill with something akin to terror.

“You’ve talked about it?” He croaks. “With James?”

“No!” Lily grabs his arm. “No, no. Just. I know. Um. I know that he doesn’t mind.”

“You're not very convincing.” Remus shakes his head and lets out a very ragged sigh. “No matter. This isn’t what I wanted to talk about.”

“Oh?”

“No. There’s more to the story, and I know James wouldn’t have shared this bit.”

“Alright.” Lily says. 

And so Remus weaves her a tale of trust and hatred and betrayal. Barring the specifics, which Lily respects as much as she can, he tells her the story of how he’s been keeping a secret, one so big and so dreadful that only Sirius, James, and Peter know, and that Severus Snape, the bastard, found out. He tells her how he didn’t even know, never would have known, if it weren’t for Sirius, who, in goading him, led Sev right to it. Furthermore, the secret is apparently rather dangerous, and Sev could have gotten seriously hurt in his ignorance.

Lily nods along all the way, even though she doesn’t really understand without the context. She figures, between all the Gryffindor sixth years, there’s been more than enough secrets, but of course it’s not her place to say, and after all, she’s waited this long. 

“So you see,” Remus says with an air of finality when the story is finally done. “Sirius is a horrible person and I’m an idiot for still being hopeless over him.”

Lily laughs. Remus flinches.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” She says, still giggling. “It’s just… you sound exactly like him. The both of you are so dramatic.”

“Excuse me!”

“You ought to talk to him about it.” Lily interrupts. Remus flinches again. “You don’t have to forgive him, or anything. Even if you ultimately decide that you never want to see him again, having an actual conversation will help. Because, like, right now, your fight is this big, untenable nebulous thing that lives in both of your heads, and that makes it feel like the end of the world. But when it’s just the two of you and your problem, it won’t feel so dramatic. You might even find that it’s not that big of a deal.”

Remus stares at her for a moment, mouth agape. Clearly, Lily thinks, he hadn’t thought of it this way. She wonders if, this whole time, he hadn’t been simply denying himself.

“You.” Remus says, shaking his head. “Are a very bright witch.”

“So I’ve been told.” Lily grins.

***

On Wednesday morning, it’s time for Muggle Studies again. Lily had tried to rope Sirius into talking about their project, which she’s decided ought to be a weapon or a tool that they can use in the future, but he ignored her every time, claiming he had other work to do or he had to reorganize his wardrobe or, Merlin, Lils, can’t you see I’m trying to stare at Remus here? So they’re entering class with nothing to show.

Luckily, when they do, Satiserus is nowhere to be seen, as usual. Unluckily, in her place, at her desk, standing next to her piles of books and her stacks of crumpled paper, is an old white man in a Ministry of Magic cloak. He wears a smile that some might describe as a grimace and holds his hands together in front of him like a priest welcoming other old people in for a sermon. On the board, in illustrious cursive, is “Professor Scrutum.”

“Professor Scrotum.” Sirius stage-whispers immediately, as they all file in. Batin Greengrass laughs a little too loudly, earning himself a gray-eyed glare.

“Okay.” Says Sirius, voice raising now. “Where’s Suzie?”

“Professor Satiserus,” Scrotum says, a vein on his forehead bulging threateningly. “Has not reported to office for several days now, here or at the Ministry. I’ll be taking over for the time being.”

“She’s missing?” Lily gasps. Whispers flood the classroom, but Scrotum scoffs.

“Hardly. Suzanna Satiserus has always been rather unreliable. The Ministry believes that she is, once again, skiving off.” Scrotum puffs up his chest, as though it’s a great honor to represent the ministry in belittling a woman. “She’ll be back eventually. In the meantime--”

“Hold on, you aren’t even looking for her? She’s been gone for ‘several days’--” Lily says, punctuating Scrotum’s words with air quotes. “--and the Ministry hasn’t even bothered to look for her? Muggleborns are disappearing left and right, and they aren’t concerned?”

The vein on Scrotum’s forehead looks as though it may burst. 

“Listen here, Miss--”

“Evans.”

“Listen here, Miss Evans. The inner workings of the Ministry are both none of your concern and none of your business. I can assure you, Ministry officials, such as myself, who have worked alongside Professor Satiserus as long as we have, have a better idea of her situation than a bossy little girl who has known her all of a month. Now please, take your seat before I am forced to take off points.”

Lily has never been so offended in her life, but says nothing else, for the rest of the class. When Satiserus comes back next week, she’ll hear all about this. Maybe Lily is just a student, but Satiserus’s opinion has got to count for something at the Ministry. Surely this sort of talk is enough to get old Scrotum sacked.

But Satiserus doesn’t come back next week, when Sirius and Lily finally decide they’re going to build a Swiss Army Knife for their project. Or the week after that. Scrotum is there again, both times, looking as smug and as disgusting as ever. 

The first time, Lily puts up with him. The second time, she puts her foot down.

“No way.” Lily groans, in the hallway outside the classroom, as Scrotum’s raspy, posh voice assaults her eardrum. “I’m not going in there with that pig.”

“Oh, cool.” Sirius says. “Are we skipping, then?”

“No.” Lily shakes her head. “You’ve got to go in there without me. See if you can’t get any more insight about Satiserus out of him. He might listen to you more than me.”

“Don’t count on it.” Sirius laughs humorlessly. “But alright. You owe me one.”

Lily nods at him, then turns on her heel and marches back to Gryffindor tower.

Once there, she slumps down onto the couch in a heap. Lily’s never skipped class before. In all her years at Hogwarts, she’s never once wanted to. Not even History of Magic, taught of course by the droning dead Professor Binns. Even when class is boring, magic never is, and she can find amusement in even the worst classes, so sitting here, in the common room, her anger at Scrotum fizzling out, she isn’t sure what she’s supposed to do.

“Oh.” Someone says from behind her. Lily turns around on the couch and there, on the landing of the boys’ room stairs, stands a bewildered James Potter.

“Hi, Potter.” Lily sighs.

“Hello.” James says, then rushes down the stairs two at a time. He’s wearing red Muggle track pants with a stripe down the side and a tee shirt that’s been cut off above the naval, and Lily realizes that the sight of her is interrupting what may be his only time to himself. “You’re skiving off?”

“No.” She says. “Yes.”

James stands in front of her like he doesn’t know what else to do, not saying a word.

“We’ve got a sub. Have had, for the past few weeks.” Lily looks at her hands. “He’s dreadful. A real brute. Three seconds after I met him, he called me a little girl for daring to ask why the Ministry doesn’t care where Satiserus is.”

“What a jackass.” James says with feeling. “Wait, Suzie’s missing?”

Lily nods.

“Apparently,” Lily starts, balling up her fists on her lap. “Nobody at the Ministry thinks it’s worth their time. Because she’s always late and all, supposedly she’s got a reputation for being a bit of a flake.”

James groans. He looks at the seat beside Lily on the couch, and then back at her, a silent question. She nods. James sits down. He leaves enough of a distance between them that they couldn’t possibly touch. Lily’s torn between appreciating the gesture and wishing he were closer. She shakes both feelings off.

“That’s awful, Lily.” James says. “And it’s not even true. I spent loads of time with Suzie last year. She works harder for the Ministry than anybody. She’s got to, she’s…”

James trails off, biting his lip, and Lily nods.

“A muggleborn, and a Black woman.” She says.

“No.” James says. “Well, yes, but there’s something else.”

“Oh?”

James looks around nervously. “It’s not really my secret to tell.”

“For God’s sake, do you have a secret on everyone?” Lily grouses before she can stop herself. James laughs.

“Not on you.” He says. “You remain a mystery to me.”

Lily smiles at the space between them on the couch, feeling her cheeks turn pink. There is a little stain on the red fabric there, and she runs her hands over it, mere inches away from James’s track pants. He draws in a shaky breath.

“I don’t really have any good secrets.” Lily admits, which is true, as being trans isn’t a particularly good secret, just a fact about her, like red hair and green eyes. “Most of the secrets I keep are about other people. Remus and Sirius. Marlene and Dorcas.”

“Marlene and Dorcas?” James blinks. Lily laughs.

“Oh, well. I guess there’s a secret for you.”

“They’re together?” Lily shakes her head.

“Not yet.” She says. “But they will be, by the end of the semester, probably. Pining, longing looks, all that. It’s quite sweet, really.”

“Sounds like the girls’ dorm room isn’t all that different than the boys’.” James says, smiling. “It doesn’t bother me, you know? Remus and Sirius. I’ll be very happy when they move to a little cottage in the Scottish countryside and have ten children.”

“I know.” Lily says, and for good measure, or maybe just to stop thinking about all the ways James Potter is kind to his friends, she adds: “I don’t suppose Marlene and Dorcas are a good enough secret to tell me about Satiserus?”

“Ha.” James shakes his head, smiling. “I probably would have told you anyway.”

“I know.” Lily says again, smiling back at him.

“Before I tell you anything, the first thing you need to know about Suzie is that she’s not a bad person.” James starts, his voice stern. His hazel eyes meet Lily’s greens, and she huffs a little laugh.

“Not a great start.”

“Hush.” James says, the corners of his mouth lifting just a little. “She’s not a bad person, she’s just a product of a bad system. And sometimes, when people are pushed down by a bad system, they do… not great things. Illegal things, that they’d get in big trouble for if they were caught doing.”

“Like what?” Lily breathes.

“Like…” James sighs. He shakes his head, and Lily can see the thoughts turning around in it. She tries to be patient. “You have to understand. Susie’s a Black woman and a Muggleborn, but she’s got another point against her.”

He leans in, and Lily does too, drawn in by the weight of his words and the hazel of his eyes. His hand on the couch between them, holding him up, brushes hers.

“Suzie’s cursed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not me publishing this chapter on time! tee hee we r finally getting to the nitty gritty of it. hope you don't twist your arms hanging off that cliff hanger!
> 
> as always, come find me on tumblr @ fruityhag and i love ur comments!! :)


	8. The Curse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Satiserus, spelled out. Also, a bit of scheming, a bit of a row, and not an apology.

“She’s WHAT?”

(Sirius is met after class by James and Lily, both very out of breath, and dragged by the elbows to the kitchens. Lily, who has never been to the kitchens and has adopted a pale visage of earnest bewilderment, especially when the house elves greet her with: “Miss Evans! We’ve heard so very much about you!” sits him down right on the floor in front of the fireplace. She gestures to James, who is looking more than a bit nervous, which is enough to let Sirius know that this is an emergency, and James tells him quick as a whistle that Satiserus is cursed.)

“She’s WHAT?” Sirius says, a second time for emphasis.

“Tell him, James.” Lily commands, crossing her arms and presumably making James weak in the knees from his seat beside Sirius on the floor. Sirius doesn’t bother to check.

“Suzie is cursed.” James says. “She’s got a curse.”

“The rest of it!” Lily says, exasperated.

“I’m getting to it!” James counters. Sirius privately thinks the two of them resemble an old married couple. “Sheesh. Suzie’s got a curse that makes her late to everything. She’s had it since she was born, that’s why she’s always late to class, because her dad is a prat and pissed some powerful warlock off 40 years ago or something.”

James shoots Sirius a meaningful look, but Sirius was already thinking it. _Just like Remus_. He nods.

“Okay.” Sirius says. 

“That’s not all.” James says dramatically, like a muggle infomercial.

“She works at the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office.” Lily says huffily, apparently tired of waiting for James to tell the story himself. “But that’s not what she wants to be doing.”

“No.” James says, shaking his head. “I spent a lot of time in her office last year, and you know how I am, I’ll get to talking and people just open up to me. She told me all about how, because of her curse, she wants to be a Curse Breaker--”

“But she can’t be a Curse Breaker,” Lily interrupts, beginning to pace across the room and back. “Because you can’t be a Curse Breaker if you’ve got a fucking curse!”

“Right.” James says. “Cursed stuff shouldn’t touch other cursed stuff. The magic could get all muddled together and cause even worse problems.”

“Oh, yeah.” Sirius says absentmindedly. “One time Regulus put this old book he found on the grand piano in the sitting room and it exploded. Singed his eyebrows clean off. Walburga was pissed.”

Sirius laughs. James and Lily don’t.

“Wh--.” Lily shakes her head. “Okay, we’re revisiting that later--”

“Best if we don’t.”

“Anyway,” Lily says, glaring at him. “Satiserus can’t be a Curse Breaker so she works in the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office instead. But those two offices have a lot of overlap. She deals with Muggle stuff that’s been magically tampered with. The Curse Breakers deal with anything, or anybody, that’s specifically been cursed. It would be super easy to mistake one problem for the other, and send a cursed item to Satiserus or a regular charmed item to the Curse Breakers.”

James is nodding along emphatically. How Lily has retained this after James had supposedly just laid it all out for her in one go was beyond Sirius. His head is spinning and they haven’t even reached the point yet.

“Are you suggesting,” He says slowly. “That Satiserus might have got another curse? By, I dunno, taking home something cursed on accident?”

James and Lily shake their heads again, this time in unison.

“Nope.” James says, grabbing Sirius by the shoulders. He’s looking a bit twitchy. “She’d do it on purpose. That’s the fuckin’... the fuckin’ punchline.”

“You sound insane.”

“Shut up.” James says smoothly. “Listen, remember your detention with her? She made you do something with her collection, right?”

“Yeah, mate.” Sirius groans. “Never did get to thank you for that, by the way. Was taking down descriptions of dusty old crap for-- oh, shit.”

“It’s all cursed!” James throws his hands in the air, as Sirius figures it out, nearly knocking him upside the head. “Every fuckin’ pocket watch and creepy painting and taxidermied pixie she keeps up in her fire hazard ass office is cursed!”

“Satiserus works a half day in the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office.” Says Lily, evenly, laying it out much calmer than James. “If someone accidentally brings her a cursed object, she takes it home with her. And then what? She tries to break the curse? For… fun?”

James whips his head around to look at Lily, to her obvious shock. Sirius, who is used to the manic look James gets in his eyes when he’s scheming, snickers to himself. Poor girl probably thinks he’s mad.

“Exactly, Lily!” He says, getting up and grabbing her hands in one quick motion. Lily turns bright red. “It’s her hobby! She’s broken a few of them, too, she showed me and everything!”

“Wait, a few?” Sirius speaks up, following James up from his seat on the floor. “She takes them home all the time, but she doesn’t even break them all?”

“Well.” James says, deflating a little as Lily yanks her hands away from him. “She isn’t very good at it.”

“You’re kidding.”

“It’s not her fault!” James exclaims. “She never had the training for it! She’s entirely self taught! It’s quite impressive, really, that she can do it at all, since everything’s stacked against her like that.”

“Blimey, mate, when’s the wedding?” Sirius smirks. 

“Don’t be an idiot, that would be unfair to--”

“Boys, please!” Interrupts Lily, who is still rather red. “I’m worried Satiserus is in danger. We’ve got to do something about it!”

“We do?” Sirius says.

“Well, nobody else is!” Lily exclaims. A house elf taps her on the shoulder, making her jump, and hands her a cup of tea. She blinks at them. “Oh, er, thanks.”

“Miss Evans seems stressed.” They say. Sirius snickers again. “Ellie always feels better after some chamomile.”

“Thanks, Ellie. We are stressed, as it turns out.” James says quietly, then lights up, his face instantly maniacal once again, as if someone has cast a cheeky _lumos_ above his head. “Perhaps you could help us.”

Lily looks questioningly at Sirius, and then back at James. “What--”

But Ellie is nodding delightedly, obviously ecstatic to be of help. Sirius catches Lily cringe and several of the other house elves look on with jealousy in their big round eyes. He clears his throat.

“Yeah, actually.” He says, sharing a quick, knowing grin with James. “Do you know anything about Satiserus’s office?”

***

“I cannot believe I’m agreeing to this.” Lily says later, as the three of them are walking back to Gryffindor tower. 

Ellie the house elf had explained to them that Satiserus never allowed them to clean her office, for vague reasons that were suspicious to the house elves but that the three of them now know to be safety precautions. However, Ellie went on, while most professors employed stronger locks than _alohomora_ to keep students out, Satiserus often forgot to lock her door at all, as she so often showed up in a rush and left in a hurry.

And so, a plan is set in motion. This weekend, before or after or during the Halloween feast, the three of them are going to break in. Padfoot, Prongs, and er, Lily. Wormtail won’t won’t come, because a feast usually leaves him lazy and sated and quite frankly useless, and Moony won’t come because he won’t be invited. 

Sirius can’t imagine doing such an important bit of adventuring without Remus, but the idea of asking him along and having him say no makes him feel like throwing up. They’ll just have to make do without him. Luckily, Friday is also the full moon, and Remus will likely spend the entire weekend sleeping, just like Pete.

“What’s unbelievable about it?” Sirius says, sharing a smile with James. “You’re a changed woman. Friends with the likes of Sirius Black and James Potter, even.”

“Me and James aren’t friends.” Lily points out, matter-of-factly. “I’m just showing a lot of tolerance recently. Quite admirable, if I do say so myself.”

“Tolerance.” Sirius drawls. “Is that what she calls it?”

As he cackles at his own joke, Lily shoves him into James’s side. Despite catching his friend with ease, James is wearing a spectacular pout.

“Why does Sirius get to be your friend but I don’t?” He whines, but his eyes are twinkling behind his glasses.

“Because he’s not going to try and upskirt me when I’m not looking.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure, Lils,” Sirius teases, before James can say anything stupid. “Your knees are very tempting.”

“Whatever.” Lily says, trying not to look amused. “When are we doing this thing?”

“Want to go tonight?” James suggests. Lily shakes her head.

“No way.” She says. “Not on a school night. How about Friday?”

James and Sirius share a startled look as the familiar hallway gives way to the painting of the Fat Lady.

“Not Friday. We’ll be busy.” James says, then gives her the password, which is, topically, Jack O’Lantern.

“Why will you be busy in the middle of the night?” 

“Don’t worry about it.” Sirius says. Lily opens her mouth to object, but Sirius carries on, stepping backwards into the common room with relative grace. He lowers his voice to a whisper. “Listen, why not Saturday? That’ll be the feast, and while everyone’s distracted, either drunk or dead asleep and full of pumpkin pasties, we can sneak out. That way even if we do get caught, we can just say we’re drunk or something, too.”

“Charming.” Lily says, eyeing him with a little bit of suspicion as she enters the common room after him.

“Uh.” James says, eyes widening into the middle distance behind them. Sirius whips his head around and there, standing arms-crossed and unamused in the otherwise empty common room, is Remus.

“Fuck.” Sirius mutters, then clears his throat. “Hi, Moony.”

“Hullo, Sirius.” Says Remus diplomatically, but Sirius knows him well enough to brace for the half-Welsh half-English scathing reprimand waiting at the back of his throat. “James, Lily. Fancy seeing the three of you together.”

“Coincidence.” Sirius squeaks. 

Remus stares daggers at him. He nearly loses his cool under the scrutiny of Moony’s gaze, but he feels Lily’s hand slip into his, a warm, comforting weight, and lets out a soft breath. After a long, excruciating moment of silence, Remus sighs and runs a hand through his hair. He laughs, a nervous little chuckle that makes Sirius’s heart flip-flop. 

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to corner you.” Remus says. “I’ve been feeling a bit peaky, you know.”

(His phrasing reminds Sirius of a few weeks ago, when he himself said the same thing, talking to Batin Greengrass. When they finally met up, sweaty and spent after a grueling Quidditch practice on James’s behalf, Sirius had dragged him by the hand to a dark, secluded corner under the stands. All he had wanted was to forget about Remus for an hour or two, but the nagging, guilty feeling was hard to ignore.

It was uneventful, mostly, aside from Sirius attempting to calm Batin’s pale, fumbling hands from his seat on his blue-uniformed lap. Delicately, he took them in his own, painted fingernails tracing the blond hairs on Batin’s wrist, and placed them, warm, on his hips. Batin’s face was once again that lovely shade of maroon, and Sirius was laughing when he kissed him.

“You’re so pretty.” Batin had said against Sirius’s neck, when he finally figured out how to hold him. “I’ve always thought so. You’re so pretty, just like a girl.”

Sirius had laughed, because it was funny, but he felt a black pit fall into his stomach and bile at the back of his throat. He’d been told he looked like a girl, walked like a girl, talked like a girl, kissed like a girl a million times before and thought nothing of it. Some days he even liked being thought of that way, but for some reason this time it stung. Perhaps being the homosexuality trial run really was starting to wear on him.

“Not exactly like a girl.” Sirius had said teasingly, light as a feather, and went right on back to kissing.)

“Right.” James says now, bringing him back to the present. “Well I best be getting ready for Divination. Come with me, won’t you, Padfoot?”

Sirius nods and squeezes past Moony, James in tow, leaving Lily staring after them in shock. They’re halfway up the boys’ stairs, nearly scot free, before Remus addresses them again.

“Do let me know if you see anything in the stars for Saturday night, won’t you, gents?” He says in a casual sort of voice. Sirius whips his head around, and there’s Moony, smiling innocently up after them.

***

On Saturday morning as the sun creeps over the horizon, he and Remus are once again blissfully, terribly alone together. Remus holds him to his chest like he’s afraid to let him go and Sirius sends the others off with a wave of his hand, emboldened by the jackrabbit drumming of Remus’s heartbeat on his cheek. 

Sirius whispers the familiar healing spells just like last month, and just like last month, he spends a great deal of time letting his eyes wander. Never farther than Remus would consent to, but just enough to catch the tiny bit of hair on his belly, the dip of his hip and the huge, horrible scar there. In second year, Remus showed it to them after they all cornered him about being a werewolf, and James and Peter were scared of it, but not him. He had reached out with clean, 12-year-old hands to touch it.

He does now, again, running his fingers feather-light across the groove of it, and Remus lets out a little hum.

“Pads.” He mumbles, dazedly.

“You don’t forgive me, I know.” Sirius coos, his voice as soft and as soothing as he can will it to be. “I know you don’t, and I’m right here.”

Remus' breath is quiet, so quiet that it’s overwhelming, but Sirius, who has listened to Moony breathe in the early morning light for so long that each breath feels like his own, hears when it catches. 

Remus presses his nose into Sirius’s hair, and Sirius lets him. There is no black pit in his stomach here, no bile in his throat, not even an ounce of guilt, and it dawns on him, finally, as obvious as daylight. It’s not that Batin was a bad person. He didn’t do anything wrong, and hooking up with him wasn’t wrong either. The nagging itch of guilt was simply because he wasn’t Remus. Sirius feels stupid to have not noticed it before.

“Pads.” Remus says again.

“Mm?”

“If you… if you were planning something.” Remus murmurs, voice scratchy from a night of howling. “For tonight, with Prongs and Lily. You would tell me, wouldn’t you?”

Sirius says nothing, because all he can think is how badly he wants to tell him the truth. He almost does, is almost swayed by how small Remus’s voice sounds and the feeling of his strong but tired arms around his waist, but he doesn’t. Lying to Remus has never been easy but now, with so much between them, he feels so far away, even as Remus’s heartbeat tick-tocks in his ear and Remus’s breath is warm in his hair. 

It isn’t easy, but it isn’t hard either.

“‘Course.” He says after a moment. Remus doesn’t speak again, makes no motion that he’s even heard him aside from the clench of his warm fingers in Sirius’s side. 

Distantly, parting the waves of togetherness, Sirius knows that he doesn’t believe him. 

***

That night, after setting off several dungbombs outside the feast with the help of Moony and Wormtail and narrowly avoiding Filch’s wrath (they’re still marauders, after all) James and Sirius claim overeating and retire early. They do not look back to see if Remus is watching, though it takes James’s hold on Sirius’s arm to keep him from doing it.

Lily is waiting for them in their own dormitory when they return, to Sirius’s delight and James’s relative terror, considering how it’s so messy one can hardly see the floor and also definitely smells like 16-year old boy. Lily doesn’t seem to mind. Or she’s too polite to say.

James quickly explains the Invisibility Cloak to her, sheepish but proud as she runs her fingers over the material. They don’t explain the map, in silent agreement that it wouldn’t be much help, as it isn’t really done yet. Sirius notes that she doesn’t look surprised about the Cloak, and he wouldn’t be surprised himself to learn that she’d suspected it all along. James, however, looks nothing but fond. The Cloak is an old family heirloom, after all, and he’s currently sharing it with someone he loves.

“There’s not much time to explain.” James breathes, after spending several minutes explaining. “Pete and Remus will be back soon. We don’t want to catch them on our way out.”

“Alright.” Lily nods once, sharp. She turns to Sirius and gives him a stern look. “But I expect to learn everything about why Remus hasn’t been invited later.”

“Er.” Sirius says. “Gay reasons?”

Lily rolls her eyes at him, turning around to hurry back down the stairs. “Obviously.” She says. “But there’s something else. And I know there’s something else, because when you think about whatever it is, like you’re doing right now, your magic gets all fuzzy.”

“How very dare you!” Sirius gasps, placing a dainty, offended hand on his chest from where he stands on the landing above her. 

“No, it’s true.” Says James, the traitor, chuckling. “You nearly killed a bunch of firsties with firecrackers when I brought him up last month.”

“You set Snape’s hair on fire when I brought him up the first week of classes? Second?” Lily muses, lifting her hand to her chin in mock thoughtfulness. 

“Wait, what?” James laughs, pushing past Sirius on the landing to follow Lily down the stairs. “That was because of Moony? Sirius told me that was for fun!”

“When you two are done bonding over what a stupid poof I am, can we get the cloak on?” Sirius says, rolling his eyes and desperately trying to look cross with the two lovable trainwrecks standing below him. “I don’t want to be caught.”

But Lily is standing stock-still on the bottom landing, and James has paused his laughing behind her, staring either at the back of her head or at a dangerously familiar spot on the couch in front of the fireplace. 

“Hello.” Says Moony, for the second time in 48 hours. “Fancy seeing the three of you together.”

This time, they actually do get the half-Welsh half-English scathing reprimand. James and Sirius know well enough by now to take it, heads hanging low, but Lily, in the same way that she’s unused to a manic James, must be shocked. Sirius wouldn’t know, as his eyes are on his toes.

Part of him feels like it’s a lovely thing, to have Moony’s attention back on him, but the feeling is short-lived after only a minute of shouting.

“And another thing!” Remus says in English. He crosses the room in a few quick strides until he’s right up in Sirius’s face, and when Sirius tentatively looks up at him, he doesn’t look angry. He looks _hurt_. 

“Oh, Moony…” Sirius mumbles.

“You _lied_ to me!” Remus exclaims, so close that Sirius can feel his breath. He feels trapped, but he can’t seem to look away from the fire in Remus’s eyes. “I asked if you were planning anything, and you lied to me! After everything that happened last Spring, you fucking lied! And I knew you were lying, because you’re not even good at it, you stupid-- selfish--”

“Now that’s quite enough!” Says Lily. All three boys turn to look at her, to find her arms crossed and her face unamused. 

“Excuse me--” Starts Remus, who hasn’t moved away from him. Sirius’s hand twitches.

“Excuse you indeed!” Lily huffs. “I don’t know what happened last Spring, and I don’t care, but I do know that I’m not the one to sit around and be yelled at! We’re in a bit of a hurry, after all, aren’t we?”

“I’m--”

“Save it, Lupin!” Lily says, marching past the three of them toward the door. “We’ve got a professor to save. Are you coming or not?”

Remus is stunned for a moment, they all are. He takes one last glance at Sirius, then steps away, running a hand over his face. He looks exhausted, which makes sense, seeing as he spent all last night under the moon, and Sirius longs for this morning, when he held him in his arms and lied to his face.

“I’m coming.” Remus says defeatedly. “But I expect to be filled in on the way.”

Lily nods and heads out the door, not bothering to wait up. James lets out a little breath, smiling a dopey smile.

“What a woman.”

***

Remus is filled in on the way, and then some. Not by Sirius, who is completely silent beside him under the cloak the entire walk, taking in his warmth and feeling the anger in his magic subside to a familiar tiredness, but by James and Lily, in front of them, who tell the story with the same amount of moxie as they told it before. 

“Okay.” Remus says when they’re done, pausing in an empty corridor close to the Muggle Studies classroom. “And you didn’t tell me because…?”

James and Lily are silent, and Sirius looks up from where he was studying the frayed ends of his sweater to find Remus looking at him expectantly. He quickly looks away, and Sirius spots a bit of red on the tips of his ears.

“That was my fault.” Sirius says. 

“Oh.” Remus says.

“I didn’t think, um.” Sirius mumbles. “I didn’t think you’d want to come. Because, um. You know.”

“Right.” Remus says.

“Is this what it’s always like with these two?” Lily asks James, like they aren’t right behind her in incredibly close quarters. “I’d go mental.”

“Well, I am a bit mental, yes.” James says, turning around to grin at Sirius, who glares at him.

“Explains a lot.” Lily quips. 

They make it to Satiserus’s office in quick time. Aside from a near run-in with Filch’s cat, where Lily had to put her hand over James’s mouth to keep him from being heard, they aren’t discovered. The hallways are dark and a bit mysterious this time of night, but it’s nothing the marauders aren’t used to, and if Lily’s nervous, she doesn’t show it.

Like Ellie the house elf said, the door is left unlocked, and a little bit ajar. James pushes it and it opens with a loud creak, and they all file in. 

Once inside, Lily sheds the cloak and shuts the door behind them, locking it with a wordless spell. The rest of them follow suit, though Sirius is loath to remove himself from Remus’s side. 

“Wow.” Lily says as she looks around. 

“You weren’t kidding about her collection.” Remus mumbles. Sirius watches his eyes scan the room and can tell he already wants to inspect everything. Sirius doesn’t blame him. The collection is as incredible as ever, books and paintings and suspicious boxes and antique items tumbling over each other on the shelves around them and catching the low candle light of the evening in a way that gives the entire room a spooky, haunted feeling. Sirius isn’t afraid, and neither are the others, but he is more than a little anxious.

“Right then, gents.” Says James, clapping his hands together. “And Lily. We’re here looking for clues. Any notes she may have left, any signs of a struggle, any suspicious items--”

“Everything in here’s suspicious.” Sirius says.

“Well, more suspicious than usual.” James digs in his pocket and pulls out several sets of Dragonskin gloves. “You and I were here last, so we’ll split up and take separate sides of the room. Call out if you see anything.”

“But--” James tosses a pair of gloves at Remus, who shuts up to catch them.

“We’ve only got three pairs, as we were only planning a rendez-vous for three, so you’ll have to share.” He says. Remus grimaces.

“But Moony’s hands are like, way bigger than mine.” Sirius grumbles to no one in particular.

“You’re wizards!” Shouts Lily, already on the other side of the room.

Remus duplicates the gloves with a wave of his wand and takes the copy pair, handing Sirius the originals, which are miles too big for him. Sirius shrinks them as best he can without ruining the Dragonskin, and then, satisfied, they set off to work.

They search in silence, through antique jewelry boxes and old worn-out diaries and hand mirrors that make you feel like you’re being watched, not really knowing what they’re looking for and not really wanting to talk about it. Nothing stands out from the rest, at least to Sirius, who documented everything in here fairly recently. 

As the time ticks on, minutes seem like hours and hours seem like days. Every now and then, Remus’s Dragonskin-guarded hand brushes his own and they both tear away like it’ll burn, but the screaming tension from earlier fades away to the dull hum of nervous acceptance, a kind of muddled harmony of two hurt people not saying what they want to be.

Remus gives in first.

“Hey Pads?” He murmurs. Sirius looks up from the bouquet of dried out purple hyacinths he’s holding.

“Yes?” 

“Why’d you do it?”

Sirius finds himself stunned by the question, even though it’s been months coming, nearly crushing the fat stems and leaves of the flowers in his hand. He doesn’t know what to say. There isn’t really an answer, at least not one that he’s rehearsed. But he knows Remus wants him to know what to say, so he just says the first thing he can manage.

“Togetherness.” He mumbles.

“Togetherness?”

Sirius nods. He feels like his skin is paper-thin and about to rupture. 

“I felt powerful.” He whispers. “But not just me. I know you think it was just about me, but it wasn’t. I felt powerful, together. With you. The both of us. Like even though I was doing something evil, it didn’t matter, because we were doing it together.”

“That’s terrible.” Remus says, raggedly, like he’s out of breath. Sirius keeps his eyes on the hyacinths, willing himself not to frantically pull them apart in his hands.

“I know,” Sirius says. “But it felt good, at the time. To be powerful and terrible with you.”

“Sirius…” Remus breathes, and Sirius finally looks up at him. He looks beautiful in the low light of the office, all dark and tall and blue and purple, but more than that, he looks human. Raw. The flowers in Sirius’s hands shift a little, and when he glances down, he notices with great trepidation that they have begun to bloom.

“Hey you lot!” Calls James from the other side of the room. “Got something you might want to see!”

And the moment is lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is so long and took a lot out of me i hope u enjoy!!! tags updated accordingly and hey look at that the ends in sight. pls comment if u wanna, i love 2 hear ur thoughts
> 
> some thoughts:  
> 1\. congrats on getting to the part where you learn about satiserus lmao!! ill draw her one day  
> 2\. hyacinths are an apology and ive officially included flower symbolism in all of my wolfstar fics  
> 3\. ellie the house elf is my friend elliot. told them id make them a one-off character and then made them a house elf because i am evil
> 
> i had more thoughts but my head is empty from writing this chapter!!!!!!!!!! xoxo

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! this will update pretty sporadically over the next few weeks
> 
> if you were one of the people i mentioned in the earlier notes and you enjoyed what i've written, feel free to stick around. if you keep your mind open, you might just learn something. speaking of which, in case its not entirely obvious, lily evans is trans in this. sirius is nonbinary, which you'll see next. they live in a world where dragons guard a miles-long underground bank run by goblins. they can be trans if i want.
> 
> also! most of these characters are people of color. if that bothers you you can picture them white or something idk
> 
> anyway i'll quit rambling now! come find me on twitter @jehancourf if you'd like. thanks again for reading so far!


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